


Space Song

by jsikook



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Coming Out, Depression, Family Dynamics, First Kiss, Fluff, Hinata Shouyou-centric, Homophobic Language, M/M, Pining, Self-Harm, Suicide, hand holding, reupload
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:33:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29347440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jsikook/pseuds/jsikook
Summary: Hinata feels like he is sinking in the pressure of everything in his life, and he’s afraid that he’ll drown if someone doesn’t reach out and save him. But who will? Who cares?
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 23
Kudos: 67





	1. It Was Late At Night

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys i’m reuploading this fic. i deleted it a while ago off ao3 cause i wasn’t gonna finish it but i’ve decided that i am. so that’s why i uploaded it again. the original had 8 chapters, so i will post the 8 chapters, then post the new ones as well and finish this. i’m sorry for taking so long, and i’m determined to actually finish this now! hello old readers and new readers! happy to have you here!
> 
> this chapter contains:  
> TW: SUICIDE

Winter was always his favorite season.

Even though most of his friends favored the warm, bright, and sunny weather, he couldn’t help but absolutely adore the season of winter. He loved everything about it. He loved the feeling of the crisp, cold air hitting his bare skin, sending shivers all throughout his body. He loved the satisfying feeling of burying himself in the soft covers of his bed, and soaking in the warmth of it. He also loved strolling down the streets, and admiring the beauty of the world during wintertime. Time just seemed to stop, and everything seemed more calm, and quiet. How he liked it to be. Quiet.

If he was lucky, the trees and rooftops would be painted with white, glittery snow. He could remember when he was younger, waking up and seeing that it had snowed. He would jump out of bed, rush to get his winter coat on, and stumble out of the house with exciting filling his body. He would lay down in the freezing snow, and stare up at the bare, gray sky, a huge smiling growing on his place. The pure innocence and happiness of adolescence was something incomparable. It was like he didn’t have a care in the world, because there was no reason to have one. He was young, and he hadn’t grown up and faced the real world yet. As a child, he lived in this little bubble of his own imagination, dreaming big and setting unbelievable goals.

Everything was okay then. But Hinata had grown up.

The small boy had learned quick that life wasn’t a fairytale book with happy endings. It wasn’t like the joyous, peaceful dreams that he had always conjured up when he was a kid. It was anything but that.

As he become older, things started to change. And the orange-haired boy hated change. He loved to stick to his regular routines, and when things didn’t go like usual, he crumbled under the stress.

He was always used to waking up in the morning, bright and early, with a smile on his face, ready to start a new day. He would walk downstairs, and see his mother cooking breakfast for him. She always had made his favorite – pancakes and bacon. He would stuff them down, savoring the delicious taste – the perfect balance between salty and sweet. His dad would always be at the table too, reading the daily newspaper, and sipping his hot, steamy coffee before going off to work. And when he got home from school and volleyball practice, his mom would always greet him with a big hug and a beaming smile on her face. Hinata thought that maybe he was childish, loving the hugs that he got from his mom. His friends would make fun of him for it, but he didn’t care. It was one of his favorite things.

And during volleyball games, he would look out into the crowd and see his parents cheering him on. They would yell his name, and pump their fists up in the air in excitement. Huge smiles were painted on their faces as they looked at their son proudly. Knowing that they were always in the stands rooting for him was one of his biggest motivators. It encouraged him to go on and get the win because he knew that meant he got to see their overjoyed and happy smiles.

His mother died six months ago.

Hinata remembered the day so vividly in his mind that it was like it happened just yesterday. It was a monday. It had been an amazing day at school – oddly better than most. He had gotten an A on his english and math tests – subjects that he often struggled with. He had been working his ass off to get better grades, and all his hard work had finally payed off. Volleyball practice had went well too. He had hit almost all of Kageyama’s sets and he had barely even argued with the black-haired boy, expect for the occasional “dumbass” and “you suck.”

He had been excited all day, anticipating going home all day. His mother had promised to get him ice cream after dinner, something that rarely happened. She usually only let him get ice cream, if he did something good and deserved to be awarded. Hinata couldn’t think of anything that he had achieved that his mom knew about. He had passed his tests, sure, but he hadn’t told her about it. He wanted it to be a surprise. That’s why he thought it was stranger that she would buy him a treat without any reason, but nonetheless, he wasn’t complaining. Late night ice cream rides with his mom were his favorite thing. It made him feel like a kid again, reliving the moment from when he was younger.

He practically was jumping up and down in happiness, and anticipation when he arrived at his small house at the corner of the street that evening. A huge smile was displayed across his face, ready for his mom to greet him with one of her big, warm hugs like she always had. He didn’t know why he was so joyful – it was just one of those perfect days. It was a bright day outside, the sun shining high in the sky. It was the perfect temperature, not to hot and not to cold. A light breeze blew through his soft, orange hair as he fumbled with his key and unlocked the door.

He stopped in his tracks, expecting to be met with his mom’s smiling face. But the kitchen was empty.

She would usually be at the stove right now, preparing dinner and humming to herself softly. He stepped into the house, and shut the door behind him. Weird, he thought to himself, looking around to try and spot her. Almost everytime Hinata came home, his mother would be cooking the food for the night. It was one of their routines, and she never missed it.

“Mom?” He called out, his voice almost echoing in the small house. Eerie silence spread throughout every corner of the room, not a single sound expect for the ticking of the clock that hung on their wall. It was almost scary, he thought. He was so used to it being loud in the house when he got home. But he was overreacting. His friends had always said that he was a scaredy-cat, and he could now understand why they thought that. His mom was probably just in her room.

The young boy frowned, getting no response. He was met with complete silence. “Mom!” He said away, this time a little louder. Maybe he was being to quiet. After all, his mother’s hearing wasn’t the best. “Where are you?”

No answer.

Okay, he thought, this is getting weird. Why was he so on edge right now? His friends were completely right about him being a scaredy-pants, getting worked up about nothing.

He wandered the house, traveling up the stairs and down the hall to his parents grand bedroom, as well as his own room, but no one was there. Did she go out and get groceries or run a quick errand? No... that couldn’t be it. She would’ve texted him and told him. She always did when something came up and she wouldn’t be home. He was about to give up, and call her, but that’s when he saw it.

The bathroom light was on.

The orange-haired boy let out a deep breath, relieved to see that she was home and he had been worrying about absolutely nothing. He started walking towards the door, a smile growing on his face. As embarrassing as it was to admit, he had missed his mom all day even though he had seen her just this morning. He would never admit it, but he couldn’t imagine being without her for more than one day. She was Hinata’s best friend, one of the only people would truly understood him and accepted him for who he was.

He knocked on the wooden door three times, a code that they had come up with together to let the other know that it was them. “Mom,” He said cheerfully, happy to tell her the news about his grades, “I’m home!”

Silence answered.

She’s playing a joke on me, he thought. It was something they did often, play pranks on each other to see who could do the best one. He laughed lightheartedly, and knocked once again. “Hello,” He asked, dragging out the o sound at the end. “Are you in there?”

No answer again. He rolled his eyes, laughing at his mother’s jokes. She always did this.

Curiosity entering his mind, he grabbed the doorknob and turned it. It cracked open with a click. He furrowed his eyes, tilting his head to the sideways in confusion. It was odd that she hadn’t locked the door when she was going to the restroom. He stared at the small crack of warm light that was now spilling out of the room. He contemplated opening it all the way, but he didn’t want to invade her privacy. What if she was on the toilet or in the bath? That would be really weird and awkward if he just walked in. But then again, he had announced himself pretty clearly, and she hadn’t told him to leave her alone.

Hinata pushed the knob further, the door swinging open slowly with a creak.

He froze in his tracks, feeling his body go completely rigid. His heart dropped out of his chest as he stared at the scene in front of him, eyes wide and mouth open in pure shock.

His mother was lying on the floor in a pool of blood. The once white tiles were now painted a deep, crimson red. He stared down in horror, unable to move. He forgot how to breathe, feeling like the ceiling was caving in on him. Her eyes were closed, her skin unusually pale, and her pink lips were now a fading purple. Pain shot through the young boy’s body when his legs gave out from underneath him and he collapsed on his knees, hitting the hard tiled floor, sure to leave bruises.

This was wasn’t real. He had to be in some sick, and twisted nightmare. He was imagining all of this - his mother lying lifeless on the floor with her own blood surrounding her. His breath came out in heaves, and he didn’t know what to do. His body suddenly forgot how to work, and he was a statue, looking down at his mother.

His eyes traveled over her, all the way down to her wrists. Red bled through her sleeves, and his stomach twisted, looking at the sharp, silver object that lay in her hand. She was wearing the green sweater that Hinata had gotten her for her birthday one year. She had always claimed it was her favorite gift she’d ever gotten, even though she had rarely ever wore it. ‘I only want to wear it during special occasions. It’s so soft, and precious. I can’t ruin it,’ She’d say. It was now covered in her blood.

Water pooled at his eyes, and tears ran down his cheeks and onto his chin, staining his shirt. He cried uncontrollably, his body shaking and shivering. His mind was running wild, a million thoughts flashing through his mind. He couldn’t process anything - not his always, cheerful and happy mother lying with a blade in her hand, and a note beside her. He didn’t need to read it to know what it was. A suicide note.

How?, his mind screamed. Why? His mother had always been a happy person, he was sure of it. All the times they had spent together, she was laughing with that huge, beaming smile on her face. It didn’t make sense. What went wrong? Had Hinata been ignorant and not noticed her sadness? Maybe he was too blinded by himself that he didn’t think about how his mother might feel. But she had never seemed down, and depressed. She was always joyful, lighting up everyone everyone’s moods as soon as she walked in a room. Was it all a facade?, he wondered. How long had she been faking her happiness?

He could feel himself panicking, sweat dripping down his face. He needed to do something, but he had forgot how to function. With his hands shaking uncontrollably, he opened the bathroom cabinet and frantically grabbed a towel. He wrapped it around her wrists, trying to stop the blood. He leaned forward, putting his fingers to her neck, almost pulling because of how cold she was. There was no pulse.

“No, no,” He whispered, his voice cracking. “No, please,” He sobbed, pressing the towel further down onto her wrist. Pain ripped through his body, and he could felt his heart shattering to pieces. This wasn’t real, he tried to tell himself. It was just a horrible fucking nightmare.

“W-Wake up.... please,” The orange-haired male begged hysterically, coughing and gasping for breaths as he cried and cried. His body collapsed in on itself, and he fell forward, clinging onto his mother’s lifeless body. He knew that she was dead. There was nothing he could do. But he didn’t want to believe it. He couldn’t. Today was suppose to be the best day ever. He was gonna tell him the great news about his tests, and she would hug him and tell him ‘good job!’, then they were gonna go get ice cream and laugh and joke like they always did. What happened to that?

With his body trembling, he reached into his pocket and weakly dialed 119 into his phone. He spoke to the officer, stumbling over his words and sobbing into the phone as he gave him the address of his house. He knew that it was no use. His mother was dead, and there was nothing anyone could do to bring her back.

He stared at the folded piece of paper on the floor, but he couldn’t bring himself to grab it and read the contents that were inside. He would just break down even more.

Hinata felt like his world was crumpling apart. The only person that had truly loved him for him, the only person who could make him laugh despite whatever shitty mood he was in... she was gone. It was all gone in the blink of an eye. Everything. Water clouded his vision, as he bit his lip, trying to stop the crying but it didn’t work. Tears ran down his cheeks in dozens, staining them.

He looked down at his shivering hands. They were now painted a deep red shade. His mother’s blood. His hands were covered in his own mother’s blood. Like he was the one who killed her. And maybe he was, he thought. He should’ve noticed. He never once asked her how she was, how she was feeling. He was so fucking selfish and stupid. If he had talked to her, maybe she wouldn’t be dead right now, blood pooling around her cold body. He should’ve noticed the signs – When she had quit her job a few months ago, claiming that it just wasn’t for her and she was looking for a new one. But she had never gotten a new one. Or she would leave in the middle of the day and never come back until the morning. Or how her smile never reached her eyes.

“Fucking stupid...,” He whispered to himself, bringing his knees up to his chest and letting his head fall limply. He rocked back and forth, squeezing his eyes shut. But all he could see was his mother’s pale face, and her bloody wrists.

He clawed at his hair, knotting his fingers in it, and tugging hard. The pain was almost unnoticeable compared to the hurt that was spreading like a wildfire in his heart. I’m sleeping, I’m sleeping, I’m sleeping... He told himself frantically. But when he dared to open his eyes again, he knew that this was reality.

His world was going up in flames and he could feel himself burning.

———

It was November now, and things seemed to die down as time passed. Well, for everyone expect Hinata.

He got it now. How his mother had seemed so happy and joyful on the outside, but sad and miserable on the inside. Because that’s exactly how he had been finding himself feeling recently.

Ever since that day that he saw his own mother, someone who he had considered his best friend ever since he was born, lying dead on the white tiles of the bathroom floor, a part of him had died, and now he always felt this emptiness lingering inside of him. It followed him everywhere he went. No matter what he was doing, even if he was doing something that made him happy, like volleyball, there was that feeling deep down – that emptiness.

Sometimes he felt like a burden because of it, like the dark rain cloud above his head spread to everyone around him, ruining their good moods. But he had done a pretty good job of hiding it.

Just like his mom.

When everyone found out the news that his mother had committed suicide, they all flooded him with sympathy, telling them that they were sorry and if he needed anything. Even through all of that, he pretended like everything was okay and he wasn’t dying inside, when really he was. Coach Ukai even said that he could miss a week or so of practice and rest at home if he needed too. But Hinata went anyways. Because he knew that if he was home, he would’ve just been sitting in his own pool of pity and tears. That was one of the only few weeks that Kageyama had been nice to him. Well, if you call nice barely saying a word to him. But guessed it was better than them arguing like they usually did.

Things had changed.

His whole mindset had changed. The once happy, and innocent boy that used to me was now gone, replaced with someone that he didn’t even recognize. It was like he was living a double life. At school, and around his friends, he acted like his usual loud and humorous self, but at home, he was quiet, and reserved. He rarely smiled, and the only times he left his room is when he was forced to by his father.

His dad had taken it pretty well. At first, he cried every night in his now half empty room that he had shared with mom. He had even considered quitting his job, and lying at home moping around all day. But he knew that he couldn’t do that because they would just fall into debt. But as time passed, he no longer cried, and a newfound smile was writtten across his face. The orange-haired boy supposed he was glad that his father was happy, but at the same time, he was bitter. How could he be happy when his wife was dead? How could he be smiling when she killed herself so suddenly?

He knew he couldn’t blame his dad though. He was just trying to lift everyone’s mood up, like his mother had done before. Maybe he was sad deep down inside too, hiding it for Hinata and his sister. The orange-haired male was doing the same anyways.

He lived life on autopilot. He did the things that he needed to do – like get dressed, go to school, volleyball practice, and eat (even though sometimes he forgot to do that). But he didn’t feel anything, as if he was a zombie. Sadness ate him away inside, till he was numb. He rarely even cried anymore, not having the energy too. At night, he lay awake in his bed, drowning in the darkness. Every time he closed his eyes, images of blood and pale skin filled his vision, haunting him and sending chills down his spine. He didn’t sleep most nights.

He did all those things, even though he didn’t want too. He wanted to do anything but that, in fact. Every time he woke up, he wished he could close his eyes and sleep forever. He never wanted to leave his bed – It was one of the only places that he still found comfort and solace in. So unless he was forced too, he stayed in there, under the covers and away from the world. He often skipped meals, not having the energy or motivation to get out of his bed. Due to that, he had lost weight and it was noticeable in the way he seemed to drown in his clothes and the way his bones jutted out a little more than usual. He didn’t care though. And neither did anyone else.

Motivation. Motivation was something that he rarely felt anymore. Even with volleyball, his favorite sport, he didn’t have the same willpower and inspiration he used to have with it. Most days, after school, he wanted to go right home and lock himself in his room, and isolate from everybody. He started to dread walking into the gym every afternoon. Because as soon as he did, he had to pretended that he was okay. He had to pretended like he wasn’t miserable inside.

Sometimes he wondered if anyone had picked up on his changes in behavior. If they did, they didn’t say anything to him about it. They acted like everything was normal. He supposed that he couldn’t get mad, because this is what he wanted, right? He didn’t want anyone to worry about him, and no one was. So why did he feel a little twist in his stomach every time he saw his friends?

“Hinata!”

He was ripped from his train of thoughts and brought back to reality as a familiar voice yelled his name. He whipped around, and was met with the frustrated face of Tanaka, who was holding a volleyball in his hand.

Shit, he cursed inside of his head. He had done it again - drifting off. He had found himself doing a lot of that recently. It just happened out of the blue, like he was disconnecting with the world. His friends were probably annoyed with him by now, and as he looked at their faces, he could confirm that they indeed were.

“I-I’m sorry,” He stuttered, his voice coming out smaller than he expected. He looked down at the ground for a moment, trying to recollect his thoughts and bring himself fully back to reality. He seriously needed to stop doing that, especially during volleyball practice, where he needed to keep his guard up at all times. “I was daydreaming.”

“Well, you need to pay attention,” Tanaka lectured him, a serious edge to his voice. The older rarely ever used that tone, so he knew that he wasn’t playing around. “We have a game in a few days. You can’t do that when we’re on the court in the middle of a game. You could cost a point.”

Hinata swallowed hard, his throat suddenly feeling dry. “Right,” He said weakly, his gaze falling to the gym floor. He couldn’t meet everyone’s eyes, when they were all staring directly at him. “I’m sorry,” He apologized again, feeling like a burden.

Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder, and he snapped his head up, meeting eyes with Suga. The older had a warm smile painted on his face. “It’s okay, just try not to again,” He reassured him. He rubbed his shoulder comfortingly, trying to smooth down the tension that Tanaka had built up.

The orange-haired boy smiled back, the corners of his mouth turning up slightly. It was a fake one of course, but the other seemed to believe him as he let go and went back to his seat on the bleachers.

“Okay, let’s start over,” Daichi said, clapping his hands together, and offering everyone a smile. The team got back into their positions.

Now he felt even worse. He had caused trouble for his teammates, and interrupted practice when the last thing he wanted to do was draw attention to himself. He frowned, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his hands, as if trying to get rid of the dark feeling that was creeping up inside of him. He couldn’t afford to mess up further than he already had today. So he put his game face on, and pretended that everything was okay. Inside, though, all he wanted to do was go home and crash in his bed. Maybe he could actually go to sleep tonight, considering how exhausted he was.

He could feel Kageyama’s eyes on him, staring daggers at him. Why the fuck is he looking at me?, He said to himself, visibly rolling his eyes. He didn’t feel like dealing with the younger male right now, especially when he wasn’t in a good mood. He didn’t want to lose his control and snap at him, even though the black-haired boy greatly irritated him.

He whipped around, ready to tell him to look somewhere. But he felt his breath catch in his throat when he saw how he was looking at him. Kageyama’s eyes seemed to travel over him, as if he was studying the older male. His expression was almost... soft? And when their eyes meet, the other looked at him with concern etched into his expression. Shit, Hinata thought, had he figured him out? But no, not possibly. And even if he did, the black-haired male didn’t give a shit about if he was sad.

“What the hell are you looking at?” The older snapped, looking at him like he was crazy.

Kageyama didn’t respond, or make any snarky comments like he always did. He didn’t even give him a disgusted expression. He just turned his gaze back towards the volleyball net, his face turning expressionless. But Hinata didn’t fail to notice how his eyes lingered on him for a few seconds too long. Goosebumps grew upon his skin, and the hair stood up on his legs. Okay, that was fucking weird, he thought. Kageyama never looked at him like that before.

Practice dragged on, and it felt like it lasted hours. He had ended up messing up countless times in the span of 2 hours, stumbling after the ball and spacing out. By the time that everything was over with, he was sweating and panting, completely out of breath. He just wanted to go home. He felt like complete shit. He was on the verge of passing out, just now realizing that he hasn’t eaten anything since yesterday morning. He was hungry, but he just didn’t feel like eating. He would probably just go home and (try to) sleep. He could hear his bed calling to him, beckoning to save him temporarily from his exhausting life.

He was in the club room, changing his shoes, and taking his time while doing so. He wasn’t in any rush, as he didn’t really have anything to look forward to when he got home – not his mom’s hugs or her delicious food. Everyone had left right when practice ended, claiming that they were starving and wanted to go out and grab a bite to eat. They invited the orange-haired boy but he refused, of course. He didn’t have the energy. So here he was alone with his thoughts once again, something that was never good.

He was about to move onto the second shoe, when he heard the door open. He whipped his neck around, and was met with the face of the last person he wanted to see right now – Kageyama, who was still in his practice clothes.

He sighed, deciding to turn around and ignore him completely. Maybe if he pretended that he stayed quiet, and acted like the other boy wasn’t there, he would leave him alone. He turned back around, and started to put on his second shoe, tying the laces and trying to ignore the usual awkward tension that was hanging in the atmosphere between them. Why was the silence so uncomfortable?

He was about to get up and leave as fast as he could, but Kageyama spoke up all of the sudden.

“Hey,” He said, a blank expression written on his face. It was so hard to read him. Hinata looked at him, annoyed. Could he just leave him alone? “You sucked today.”

Hinata scoffed, almost laughing. Now, that’s the Kageyama that he always knew. “Wow, thanks,” He said sarcastically, finally getting finished with tying his laces. “It’s not like I don’t know.”

There was a moment of silence between them, as the sound of their lockers opening and closing echoed through the room.

“Why?”

Hinata froze, his gaze traveling to the younger boy, confusion displayed across his face. “What?” He asked, puzzled at his vague question.

“Why did you keep messing up today?” He asked, tugging his shirt up over his head, revealing his bare skin, and stuffing the material in his bag. “Is like... something bothering you?” He asked awkwardly, not meeting the orange-haired boy’s eyes.

Now he was even more confused. Kageyama? Asking him if something was wrong? He must have started daydreaming again. Hinata has expected him to come into the club room and start a fight with him like he always did. This is the last thing he thought that the other would’ve done.

“What?” He snapped, his tone coming off a little more harshly than he expected it to be. “Why the fuck do you care?”

It was the taller boy’s turn to scoff. “I don’t. I just don’t want you messing up like that during a game and ruining it for all of us, dumbass,” He said quickly, getting defensive, as he shoved his shirt on a little too aggressively.

Of course he didn’t care, but it didn’t fail to make Hinata a little disappointed. But this is what he wanted, he reminded himself. He didn’t like people worrying about him, and especially not Kageyama. It was too much of a foreign feeling.

“Well... nothing’s wrong,” He said, his voice wavering for a second. He didn’t know why, but he suddenly felt this wave of emotion pour over him, and he got the burning need to get up and run away. Maybe it was because it was the first time someone had asked him if something was up, even if the younger said he didn’t actually care. “...So leave me alone.”

Kageyama snatched his bag from the ground, and turned on his feet, heading for the door. “Whatever,” He said, irritatingly. And with that, he left, slamming the club door behind him, and Hinata was once again left alone, staring at the empty space where his teammate stood just seconds ago.

What the fuck just happened?

Why did he feel so weird? His heart was beating fast in his chest, and there it was - that empty feeling that he always felt. He raised his arm up and swiped at his face. When he pulled away, and looked down, his sleeve was stained with tears. He hadn’t even realized that he was crying.


	2. You Held On Tight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not proofread 
> 
> tw: homophobia and homophobic slurs

He looked up at the stars as he walked home that day, admiring how they painted the inky night sky, illuminating the black canvas with yellow light. It was strikingly beautiful, Hinata thought to himself. He couldn’t remember the last time there was so many stars hung high in the sky, scattered all over the place with carelessness. He felt like this wouldn’t happen for a while after this day, so he took his time in going home.

Not that he had anything to get done or look forward to when he got there, even though his dad would probably encourage him to eat dinner. He didn’t have the energy to consume any food though, and his father’s cooking skills weren’t the best anyways. He couldn’t wait to lock himself in his room, and bury himself beneath the warm covers of darkness and comfort. His room was his safe haven – a place he could hide away from the cruel world in. It was almost like an escape from reality for him – something that he needed often. He knew that it was cowardly of him, showing away in his small room, and avoiding all his problems. But he didn’t know what else to do. He was hopeless, and lost.

Sometimes, when things get really bad, and he couldn’t even get out of bed to go to the bathroom or change his clothes, he got the urge to talk to someone about what he was feeling. Maybe talking to another human being about his life would help get things off his chest – let a weight be lifted from his shoulders. You know, that’s what adults always said. ‘Talk to someone and you’ll feel better!’ But the orange-haired boy always decided against it. He knew that it wouldn’t help. Besides, he didn’t have anyone to talk to anyways.

He couldn’t rant to his father, a person who didn’t quite understand emotions or how to deal with someone venting to them. He was a plain, and boring business man, always focused on his work and his work only. His mind only seemed to think about paperwork and statistics constantly. He wouldn’t be able to understand Hinata’s troubles, and the boy wasn’t sure he would even want to tell his dad anyways. They didn’t have a great relationship. It wasn’t a bad one by any means, but they really just didn’t have anything in common expect for their hatred of plaid clothing.

He couldn’t talk to his sister either, who was only seven years old. She definitely wouldn’t understand what he was talking about, and she wouldn’t care either. All his sister knew is being obnoxiously loud and eating everything in the house. Venting to a seven year old about how much you hated your life would be like talking a wall – completely useless.

The boy couldn’t rant to his friends on the volleyball team either. Not that he thought they wouldn’t care, because he was sure they would. It was just that he didn’t want to burden them further, when he already thought he was a nuisance just existing in their presence. His friends were generally happy, and joyful people, and he didn’t want to ruin their moods. Even though he was envious, he couldn’t stand seeing them glum. Plus, he didn’t want anyone to worry about him because that would just cause unnecessary problems. No one needed to waste their thoughts or time on a worthless person like him. So he kept his mouth shut, and just pretended everything was fine.

His mind drifted to Kageyama, and he immediately shook his head. He definitely couldn’t vent to the younger male. He was certainly just laugh in his face, and tell him to suck it up. Hinata could already imagine it – his smart-ass face scrunching up and bursting into laughter as the the orange-haired boy told him how much he wanted to disappear from this world and never return. It only made sense though. They were not friends, and they didn’t have that type of relationship. The two boys only tolerated each other because of their partnership in volleyball. If it weren’t for that, they wouldn’t even talk to each other,  much less tell each other their problems.

But then his thoughts traveled to a few moments ago in the club room, when Kageyama asked him if something was bothering him. That had caught him completely off guard – the other boy had never asked him that type of question. It was definitely odd, and he felt weird, being brought to tears without even realizing. Why had he become so overwhelmed with emotion all of the sudden? Maybe it was because no one had ever asked him if he was okay in a long time, despite him being miserable. It didn’t matter though, he supposed. The younger boy himself said that he didn’t actually care, and Hinata knew that he wasn’t a liar. He was actually way too blunt and brutally honest – one of the many things the orange-haired boy disliked him for. So Kageyama was off the plate.

The only person he that he knew he could talk to was his mother. And she was gone. If she were alive, he knew that he could vent to her, and she’d hug him tightly and tenderly like she always had. She’d rub his hair gently with comfort, as she told him that everything was going to be okay. He was sure that his mom was the only person who could make him feel better in this moment, despite how deep down in the abyss of depression he was in. But then again, he thought that he wouldn’t even be this sad in the first place if she was still with him. Everything had seemed to crumble after that day, a new part of his heart shattering and breaking as each day passed without her familiar voice, and bright smile. His whole world has fallen apart right before him, and he was now lost, like a traveler wandering the earth without any final destination.

So he had no one. He was completely by himself, dealing with his sadness and despair all alone. He was caring the weight of the everything on his shoulders, and he wasn’t that strong. He was weak, and he could feel himself losing grip more and more everyday. He knew that he was going to collapse under the pressure, and he would be buried deep under the ruble, trapped and hidden so that no one could save him.

It was okay though, he tried to tell himself. He was going to be okay. This would pass one day, and he’d feel like his regular, happy self once again. Things would go back to normal.

Yeah. They would.

He shivered, wrapping his arms around his small frame. It was the type of cold that traveled inside of him, leaving behind frost on his bones and chilling his blood. He walked on in darkness, the only source of light being the tall lamp posts that lined the streets. The world was such more lovely when it was asleep, the sidewalks bare of any people and the streets empty expect for the occasional car that passed by. Hinata loved the silence of it all. Sometimes things got too loud, and obnoxious for him, and he felt overwhelmed by all the voices. It never failed to make him fall more deeper in despair that he already was. That’s why he loved nights like these, where he was the only one in sight. He soaked in the silence, savoring every moment of it.

He drifted away, deep in thought, and before he knew it, he was standing in front of his house. It was a small, plain house that sat on the corner of their even smaller neighborhood. There was nothing extravagant or flashy about it, as it was painted a neutral and boring gray. The orange-haired boy’s family wasn’t rich, and they didn’t have that much money, despite his father having a decent paying full-time job. After his mom had quit her job, they had a huge drop in their income, since she was the main money maker in the house. She never had told him a good, real reason as to why she had quit. He figured it had something to do with her depression.

But the boy was grateful. He had a roof over his head, and food ready to eat at the table (even though he usually passed on meals). His dad had a job, and even though he didn’t get payed a huge amount, it was still good enough. There was so many people in the world who had it worse than him, so he remained thankful for his small, plain house.

He looked down at the lockscreen on his phone, and read that it was exactly nine o’clock. His father would probably be asleep now, as he had spent the past week up all night filling out paperwork and typing away at his computer. He usually went to bed at an extremely early time, and Hinata figured that was an old people thing, as his mom had went to sleep way too early as well. Whereas, he rarely even went to bed. But maybe that was because everytime he tried to, he was just met with haunting imagines and horrifying nightmares.

He took a deep breath, hoping that his father would be asleep so that he wouldn’t have to deal with all his questions, and his lectures about how he needed to eat dinner. He would just lie anyways. He was beyond exhausted, barely being able to walk without pain shooting up through his legs. The orange-haired boy couldn’t wait to escape to the privacy of his own room as soon as possible. He hoped that he could get some sleep tonight.

He reached into his pocket and fumbled with the key, sliding in the door and twisting it. It unlocked with a click, and he pushed open the door slowly, not wanting to make any sound just in case his father was asleep. He was met with almost complete darkness, expect for the bright, warm light that was spilling out from the living room. He could hear the faint sound of talking, recognizing the voices as one of the shows that his father liked to watch. Shit, he cursed to himself. So his dad was awake. Now he was going to have to deal with his daily, annoying speech about how it was important that he eat dinner, and sleep a decent amount of hours so that he had a lot of energy and was healthy.... Hinata knew that he was right, of course, but he just didn’t care. He found himself not caring about a lot of things lately.

If it was possible, he would’ve just avoided the dad at all costs, and escaped to his own roombut he had to pass through the living room to reach his room. So he sighed, and started walking in the direction of the muffled sounds of the television, preparing himself mentally for what was about to come.

When he entered the room, he immediately gasped, jumping back in surprise. He knew that his dad would be there, but he hadn’t expected him to be looking directly at Hinata, a serious expression plastered upon his face. He had his arms crossed against his chest, and he still had his work clothes on – a white button-down and black slacks. The light from the lamp bore down on him, highlighting the wrinkles on his face. He looked somewhat troubled, his eyebrows furrowed as he glared at his son.

“Woah,” The orange-haired boy said, holding his chest, and laughing nervously at his father’s posture. “You scared me.”

The older man’s expression didn’t change, staying the same as he continued to stare daggers at Hinata. Why does he look so distressed, like something is eating at his mind? He figured that it was something that had to do with work, since that’s really the only thing that his father ever got so worked up about. Although, Hinata didn’t know why. It’s not like he was the manager or had a role of great importance at the business he worked at. Maybe it had something to do with being an adult.

Hinata coughed, trying to relieve the awkward tension that had settled upon the atmosphere between the two males. “Uh,” He muttered, clearing his throat and looking around the room aimlessly. “Is something... wrong?” He asked, feeling weird at the question. It felt foreign on his tongue as him and his father never really talked about their emotions or what was on their mind. He just didn’t know what to say in the moment.

That’s when he saw it. And his heart dropped.

His gaze traveled down to the object that his dad was gripping tightly, causing his knuckles to turn white. It was his journal, the lock nowhere to be found, probably thrown away.

His eyes widened, staring in shock at the object. How did he find it? Hinata was sure that he had hidden in a place that no one could ever find – behind the picture frame in his room. It was impossible. Maybe he was imagining this whole thing, and this was just another one of his stupid nightmares. But when his father got up from his seat on the couch, and started walking towards his son, he knew this wasn’t some figment of his imagination – it was reality. Panic started to ensue inside of him, the pace of his heart speeding up unusually fast, and his thoughts ran a million miles a minute.

His mind flashed to all of the things he had written on the pages, all the secrets and emotions he had poured out onto the paper. His whole life was basically inside of that book. He had scribbled down everything he didn’t want anyone – not even his closest friends – to know, all of his deepest secrets he held close to his heart. His journal was one of his only safe places – somewhere where he could vent and rant without feeling like he would be judged. And now it was in his father’s hands.

“D-Dad,” He stuttered, his voice unusually high and squeaky. It always did that when he was nervous or scared. “Where did you find that?”

The other male was now directly in front of him, looking down at his son with a flash of anger and sternness in his eyes. Hinata stared up at him, feeling locked under his gaze. He could feel his palms clamping up, and beads of sweat rolling down his forehead. This was bad.

The older male didn’t answer the question. Instead, he flung open the book aggressively, flipping through the pages without care, even ripping some in the process. His safe place was no longer safe. The orange-haired boy flinched at every tear that echoed through the room. He should’ve done something to prevent this. Maybe he could’ve hid the journal better, then he wouldn’t be stuck in this situation...

After what seemed like hours, his father stopped on a page, and shoved the journal in his son’s direction. He looked up at the man and then back down at the book, anxiety rippling through him. With shaky hands, he took the object and glanced down at the words on the pages.

_February 17th_

_I’m confused. Extremely confused actually. This question has been on my mind lately, taking up all my time and thoughts. I’ve tried to repress the feeling, but it’s taking over lately. I hate Kageyama. He’s annoying, and every time we talk we just argue about stupid things. But also, sometimes I feel weird when I’m around him. Like when our hands accidentally touch or when he stares at me for a little too long. The feeling is something that’s foreign to me. My heart speeds up, and my voice gets caught in my throat. I thought about it and thought about it. And I tried to deny it and find excuses but... maybe I like him? And not as just friends. Like I want to hold hands with him and I want to kiss him. My sexuality is something that I have never thought about. But thinking about it now... I guess I could be gay? I mean, i’ve never had feelings for a girl and all the sudden, I’m feeling this way about another boy. But I can never tell anybody. They’d probably think I’m weird or something, especially Kageyama. Yeah, I definitely can’t tell him. I’m confused but hopefully I’ll figure it all out soon._

He forgot how to breathe in that moment, all the words escaping his throat, and traveling far out of his reach. When he got finished reading the page, he continued to stare at the page, his mouth hanging open. The panic had now settled over him, and he was frozen in his spot, unable to move. He could feel his pulse pounding in his temples, and his knees suddenly felt weak underneath him.

His deepest secret. His sexuality – something that he had pledged to keep locked up inside of him forever and tell not a single soul. He had struggled with his identity for such a long time, it seemed, trying to come up with excuses as why he felt the way he did when he was around Kageyama. It was embarassed to admit to himself. He absolutely despised the black-haired boy, and the other despised him too. He was irritating and never listened to him, but he couldn’t help experiencing an odd feeling growing in his stomach deep in his stomach. It took him a while to accept his little crush on Kageyama, but he would never tell the younger boy. There was absolutely no way that he liked him back. They hated each other. That’s how it was suppose to be.

He had spent countless nights beating himself up about liking other boys. He had grown up with people all around him saying that gay people were going to hell, and that they were disgusting. He was mad at himself for awhile, thinking that something was wrong with him. Why couldn’t he just like girls like other boys? He still had problems some days, his thoughts getting the best of him.

And now his dad knew. He didn’t look happy.

He took a deep breath, staring down at Hinata with sharp daggers inside of his irises. “So you’re a fag, huh?” He asked sternly, his voice rising in danger. His eyebrows were furrowed, and there was a dangerous resent in his eyes.

The orange-haired boy’s gaze met his fathers, and fear was struck within. He hates me, Hinata panicked. He fucking hates me now. “Dad...” He whispered, his voice unusually small. He felt weak, like a little child, in front of the older man, who was only a few inches taller than him.

Pain resonated through Hinata’s face as his father’s hand connected in a quick, and hard motion against his cheek. The journal fell out of his hands and onto the ground in shock. He gasped, rubbing the spot where he had been slapped. His dad just hit him without any hesitation. He had never hit the orange-haired boy before.

He could feel tears sting his eyes.

“You’re disgusting,” He spit, looking at his son like he didn’t even know him – like he was some type of monster. “I can’t believe my son... is a fag.”

Tears rolled down his cheeks, and he bit down on his tongue roughly, swallowing down the metallic taste of blood. They spill down his face, rolling off of his chin and staining his clothes. The dam that held back his sobs threatened to break, and spill out from every crack. Pain shook through his body, swimming in his blood, and striking his heart. It ached, and he could practically feel the pieces of his heart breaking one by one. He had thought he had no heart left – it being destroyed the day he found his mother lying dead on the bathroom floor. But this was a different type of heartbreak. The type that made him realize that his father, the only parent figure he had left, now was disgusted by him.

The orange-haired male had never been close to him, but there was still that care and strive for him to make his dad proud. No matter how bad he didn’t want to admit it, he still cares about what the older man thought about him. It was just a natural thing for kids to want to make their parents proud. But all of that had crumpled in seconds. He was a disappointment – he knew it.

He looked up at his father with sad eyes. “I-I’m still the same me,” He said desperately, stumbling over his worlds. His voice was croaky, and weak, trying to hold back the cries that rose in his throat. His hands were now shaking, and he clasped them tightly together, digging into his skin. “I’m still the same Hinata!”

His father stepped closer to him, and the small boy flinched, stepping back, ready to get slapped again. “I don’t want you hanging around Kageyama. After volleyball, you come straight home everyday. Got it?” He stated, ignoring what his son was saying. He glared at him with a fury in eyes, and Hinata knew that it wasn’t up for discussion.

He nodded quickly, his muscles seeming to move on their own. And with that, his father left the room silently, leaving Hinata staring at the empty space where he used to stand.

As soon as he was alone, he broke down. His legs gave out from underneath him, and his knees hitting the hardwood floor roughly. The dam inside of him collapsed, the sobs coming out of him in violent waves. They ripped through him, puncturing his skin and rattling his bones. He pressed his forehead to the floor, and squeezed his eyes shut. His lips trembled as he hiccuped violently, forgetting how to breathe. The weight on his shoulders multiples, and a heavy pain grows in his chest.

His father hated him. He had said it himself – he was disgusted with him. And his biggest secret had come out – something that he never wanted anybody to know. Especially nothis dad. Deep down, all he wanted was to make his father proud. Maybe if Hinata could make the him proud, it would be like making his mom proud too. But all of that was gone now. It’s crazy how quickly things could go to shit.

He could feel himself drowning, and he was hoping that someone, anyone, would reach out their hand and save him.


	3. From An Empty Seat

Hinata didn’t go to school for three days.

He simply couldn’t bring himself to get out of bed, or leave the safety of his own room. It was embarrassing to admit, but he felt somewhat scared to go out and face the outside – like everyone in the world now knew that he was gay; knew that he was going to hell and hated him. It was silly, but he couldn’t help but feel that way. He had grown up in a country that was extremely homophobic and unaccepting of people like him. And now that his father knew about his sexuality, he now felt unsafe in his own house.

It was weird. His small house that sat on the corner of their street was always a place that he could find solace in. When things got to much, and he felt like he was going to collapse under the weight of everything, his house was a place he could always run away to and calm down in. Some days, at school, he couldn’t breath, and suddenly he felt like every one of the students absolutely hated him. Everything would start to feel all crowded together, and his emotions would rise up, breaking out of the box that he kept them in, and all he wanted to do was go home and get away from it all - all the people, and voices surrounding him.

But that all felt like something of the past now. It had gotten up, ran away and was never coming back. How could he feel safe in a house that his father, who was obviously disgusted by him, lived in? Hinata was shocked, at first, when the older man slapped him across his face and called him a fag. He always had this perception in his mind that his dad was a chill, kind, and accepting guy, but that had been all wrong. Had he missed something, the young boy asked to himself, pondering his mind left and right, trying to find the signs he missed. But there was nothing. He couldn’t possibly have known that his dad was a homophobic asshole.

They hadn’t had a good relationship to begin with - they barely even talked to each other, but his father never appeared to be a hateful person. He was always kind to the orange-haired boy, and went out of his way to make sure that his son was doing well, and taking care of himself. But Hinata threw away that imagination that he had of his father away three days ago, realizing that it was all a facade. His father didn’t truly ever care about him, because if he did, he would love him regardless of his sexuality.

It was sad – how many parents weren’t accepting of their kids once they find out about their sexuality. But that was the reality. And adults wonder why so many kids are depressed, and even go as far as to take their own life. Truly, deep down, every child wants their parents to be proud of them and love them. It’s horrible that something as little as what gender you love, is so problematic for some people.

Hinata could physically feel the change that was shifting in the air at his household. And the orange-haired boy hated change more than anything in the world.

His father rarely spoke to him. He hadn’t said more than twenty words to his son since the incident three nights ago. Again, they rarely talked to each other before anyways, but this was way worse. Before, they would have short and sweet conversations about random things – like small talk about school or volleyball. It wasn’t much, but there obviously wasn’t any hatred or disgust etched into what his dad was saying. But now, there was a hostile, and standoffish tone that settled upon his father’s words every time they came out of his mouth. He was more harsh and careless than before, saying passive aggressive things that had double meanings behind them.

It was obvious that the older man hated him now.

Some part of Hinata couldn’t blame him though, as he hated himself too. The hole in his heart only grew more with every passing second, knowing now how much his dad despised his existence. He felt even more alone now, as if that was even possible. Even though he never considered his dad as someone who he was comfortable to go and vent to, it was nice to know that he was still there to run to if things got really bad.

But it was all gone now. Things had changed in the blink of an eye. Everything was fine one second, and then, the very next, his relationship with his father had crumpled and he had been outed involuntarily.

The orange-haired boy supposed that he should stop complaining about it. He should just get used to it, since this was going to be his life now. There was no point in sulking, and whining about it – this was his reality now, and things wouldn’t go back to the way they used to be. There was no point in dreaming about how he wished things were, because he couldn’t turn back time and change what happened.

His father didn’t know that he had been skipping school for the past three days. Either that, or, he just didn’t say anything about it. Probably because he was so disgusted by Hinata that he didn’t want to talk to him more than he had too. Usually, the older man would check on him every morning – make sure that he was awake, and ready to go to school. But his dad hadn’t come into his room since that night. Hinata couldn’t be mad, he guessed. Because this is what he wanted, right? To not go to school. It still hurt a little though, knowing that this his father was purposely ignoring him, and didn’t want to see his face so bad that he didn’t care about him skipping his education time.

So there he lies, on his bed, staring up at the blank ceiling. He took a deep breath, letting his eyes flutter shut. He had tried taking a nap, but ultimately, it had failed. He just spent an hour tossing and turning in his bed trying to get comfortable. Even though he was exhausted, his mind was wide awake, thoughts running miles a second. He felt conflicted, and sad, which was nothing new. It just had started getting worse over the course of the last few days. With everything going on in his life, he was finding it hard to get a grip on things. He hated when he wasn’t in control, feeling like all the things in his life were spiraling out of control.

He ran a hand through his hair, realizing that beads of sweat were forming on his forehead. He suddenly became aware of how hot he. He sighed, stretching his arms and reaching over to grab the iced water that was sitting atop his desk. He swallowed a long drink of it, almost finishing half of the cup. The boy tried to ignore how lightheaded he felt, feeling dizzy from sitting up too fast. He hadn’t ate a proper meal in three days, and his father hadn’t made an effort to try and get him to eat. He was hungry, of course, but he couldn’t bring himself to go downstairs and cook something. He thought that it was too much work, and besides, he didn’t really see the point. He hadn’t seen the point in a lot of things lately.

He fell back down onto his bed, letting the soft blankets engulf him. It was quiet in his room – that was one of the things he liked about it most. When everything around him got too loud, and unbearable, he could always find peace in the comfort of his small room that was closed off from everyone. The only sound was that of the clock ticking that was nailed into his wall, just above his door. He focused on the sound, trying to relax and close his eyes. He needed to get some rest, – he hadn’t slept properly the past few days – and this was the perfect time to do it, when no one was home to bother him.

The sound of his phone ringing filled the room, disturbing the peace that Hinata was trying to relax in. He opened his eyes, and groaned in annoyance. Who was it this time?, he thought. His friends, especially Tanaka and Daichi, had been blowing up his phone for the past three days, asking why he was missing so much practice. He ignored all of them though, not having the strength to answer them. He thought, eventually, they would give up and leave him alone but it looks like he had been dreaming too big.

He never missed volleyball practice. Even when his mother had passed away, he still went, trying to distract himself from all the pain that he was experiencing. But that had been six months ago, and things had got even worse since then. The weight of everything seemed to keep piling up on him, and he was about to collapse under the pressure. After what happened with his dad, he needed a break. A break from all the voices, and responsibilities, even if it was just for a few days. If he went on any longer, he was sure he would go crazy.

So that’s probably why the volleyball team was absolutely losing their shit over him skipping practice for a few days. That, and they had a big game coming up in a few days. They probably didn’t even care about his wellbeing, he thought. They only cared about him not practicing to get ready for the game. He couldn’t blame them though. He wasn’t someone who you should waste your thoughts and worries on.

His brain just hurt thinking about the game that was coming up soon. It was their first real match since a few months ago, when they lost to some random, no-name team. It was all Hinata’s fault though, of course. He had been struggling to focus during the whole game, his thoughts somewhere far elsewhere. After it was over, his teammates reassured him that it wasn’t his fault and he shouldn’t beam himself up about it. But he knew they were just lying for the sake of him. They were bad liars.

The orange-haired boy didn’t even want to imagine how bad he would fuck up the next game, especially after all the recent events that played out. He was already cursing himself about it.

His phone went off again, and he groaned even louder. Can’t they just leave him alone? Don’t they get the hint that he doesn’t want to talk to anyone? But despite complaining, he turns over on his sides and picks his phone, looking at the bright screen.

**Kageyama:**

Where are you?

**Kageyama** :

Hello?

Hinata’s eyes widened. He hadn’t expected the taller boy to be the one who messaged him. It was usually one of the other boys. Kageyama rarely ever texted him, which was why this was even more surprising. He tried to ignore how his heart started to beat faster in his chest, and how he felt his cheeks warm up. Stop it, you idiot, he told himself. You look stupid. It’s not a big deal, it’s just a text. But still, he couldn’t help it. The younger boy just had that effect on him, as much as he hated to admit it.

Should he answer it?, He contemplated. If he did, then maybe he would leave him alone and he could finally get the sleep that he was craving.

**Hinata** :

Why do u care

He waited a few minutes for the response, staring at the screen intensely, his heart pounding fast.

**Kageyama** :

Because you haven’t been to school or practice for 3 days now, dumbass. Where are you?

**Kageyama** :

You know we have a game in a few days, and I don’t wanna lose again like last time. So you better get your ass over here

Of course, Hinata thinks to himself, sighing. He doesn’t actually care about you. He just cares about volleyball. That’s the only thing he fucking thinks about. Why did you think that he was actually thinking about you for a second? The orange-haired boy just feels stupid for getting his hopes up.

**Hinata** :

I’m @ home

**Kageyama** :

Well, duh. I mean why are you home?

**Hinata** :

None of ur business

He knew that he was acting like he was in grade school, but he couldn’t help it. He felt embarrassed, and stupid. And besides, he didn’t really feel like lying – it just took too much effort and he was exhausted.

**Kageyama:**

Seriously? Are you 2?

**Kageyama** :

And it is my business cause you’re my partner, and I can’t practice without you, asshole. So tell me why and stop playing around

Hinata’s heart fluttered at the sight of the message, “You’re my partner.” As embarrassing as it was, it made his heart warm, and he could feel an ounce of happiness grow inside of him, even though he knew that Kageyama was just talking about being partners in Volleyball. It still made him feel happy. Of course, he still called him asshole in the same sentence... but he tried to imagine that that part of the message wasn’t there.

**Hinata** :

I’m sick

**Kageyama** :

What kind of sick?

**Hinata** :

What????

**Kageyama** :

Like do you have a cold, a stomachache, the flu?

**Hinata** :

Idk why does it matter

Confusion filled his mind as he stared down at the screen. Why does what kind of sickness he has matter? Kageyama sure does ask some stupid and pointless questions. The other boy doesn’t reply, and Hinata thinks that he’s done something wrong or upset him. Shit, he says to himself, Why do you have to fuck everything up?

But then his phone goes off again, and he sees that Kageyama is calling him. Hinata gasps, eyes widening as he sees the other’s name displayed across his screen. He basically goes into a small panic, jumping up from his comfortable spot on the bed, and shooting straight up. Should he answer it? If he does, Kageyama will probably leave him alone, but on the other hand, he’ll definitely sound stupid and the setter will see through his lies easily.

He ends up answering it anyways.

“Leave me alone,” He says into the phone, annoyed.

“Shut up and answer my question,” Kageyama snaps, his voice deep and harsh. It’s loud in the background – he hears the sound of volleyball’s getting spiked and the sound of shoes sliding across the gym floor.

“I have a stomachache,” Hinata lies.

“You don’t sound sick.”

“How the fuck does someone sound sick?”

“They just do. You sound pretty fine to me.”

“Well, I’m not. So leave me alone. You disrupted my nap, asshole,” The shorter male snaps, his tone coming off harsher than he thought it would. He regrets it the moment he says it, thinking that the other will get upset. He wasn’t one-hundred percent lying though. It was true – he wasn’t fine. It was just mentally, not physically.

Silence follows for a moment.

The black-haired boy speaks up first. “Okay...,” He says, his voice visibly softening up, taking Hinata by surprise. “Take some medicine or whatever and come back to practice tomorrow, dumbass. I don’t want you getting me sick. I’ll kick your ass if you do.”

And with that, he hangs up.

He leaves the older boy staring blankly at the phone, wondering what the fuck had just happened. He blinks a few times, trying to comprehend that conversation. Kageyama is a confusing person, for sure. He had made Hinata think that maybe, just maybe, he was starting to genuinely care about the other boy, and then he proceeded to call him a dumbass.

It was helpless. There was no point in wishing and hoping that Kageyama would actually think about anything other than volleyball. It practically consumes his life, and Hinata definitely wasn’t more important than it. He should just get over him, the orange-haired boy told himself. There was no point in pining over this boy who definitely didn’t like him – not even in a friend type of way.

He didn’t even know why he liked the taller boy so much. Maybe it was the way he made Hinata feel – excited, and happy, the way he always kept the other on his heels, and waiting for what was coming next. Maybe it was the way he could make him smile, even when he was at his lowest points in life. Or maybe it was the way the pace of his heart picked up whenever they accidentally brushed hands. There was no denying how he felt, even though he didn’t want to admit it.

When this crush first started, he had thought it was just a little one and it would go away eventually. But it didn’t – it only grew stronger. He found himself up, late at night, his thoughts running wild, fantasizing about how kissing Kageyama would feel like. What would he taste like? Would his lips be soft? Rough? He imagined hold hands, lacing his fingers through the other boy’s and feeling the younger’s bare skin against his. He hated how weird the setter made him feel, like he was a kid stupidly in love.

It was even more pathetic knowing that Kageyama didn’t like him back. Of course, he had never said it outright, but Hinata didn’t need any confirmation. He could just tell by the other’s actions – how he sounded disgusted everytime he talked to him, how he pulled back immediately every time they accidentally touched, how he constantly called him “dumbass.” It was so obvious that Kageyama hated him, and it was understandable. Hinata hated himself as well. He just felt stupid having a crush on the younger male.

He supposed that it was called a “crush” because of how it made you feel like you were going to collapse and break under the thought of pining over someone who didn’t even like you as a friend.

Hinata pulled himself out of his thoughts, not wanting to spend his time alone beating himself up about his unrequited love. He laid back down on his bed, moving around till he was comfortable. He let his eyes flutter shut as he tried to think about anything but Kageyama. But the other’s stupid face was locked into his mind.

When he finally fell asleep, he met the black-haired boy in his dreams.


	4. A Flash Of Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: abuse, homophobia and mentions of suicide

Hinata had debated on not going back to school for a few days. All he really wanted to do was lay in his bed all day, and stare up at the ceiling. He didn’t want to leave the comfort of his own room, because if he did, then he would have to face the world again. And that was something he wasn’t ready for. Maybe just one more day, he had considered. So he could rest and recollect his thoughts before returning. But he knew that if he did that, that one day would turn into another day, then another and another and he would never go back to school. And as much as he hated it, he wanted to at least graduate so he could finally feel like he had accomplished something in his useless life. He hated being absent, and having to make up a lot of work, since he rarely payed attention in school anyways. He had probably missed so much in the span of only three days. He couldn’t afford to miss any more days.

On top of that, he definitely couldn’t miss another day of volleyball practice. They had their first game since their big loss (which had been his fault) in two days. He was determined to not be the reason for their loss again because last time, he had felt like complete shit and he didn’t need to feel even worse than he did already. His friends didn’t fail to keep reminding him of the game, as they were blowing up his phone, wondering where he was. Although, he had figured that Kageyama had told them about their conversation they had, because the other boys had stopped calling and texting him.

Even though he has had more than enough time to get some rest, and finally charge up on his energy over the past few days, he only managed to sleep peacefully for about one hour every day. His thoughts had been keeping him up – his head filled with thousands of different things. Every time he closed his eyes, he was met with the face of his father staring down at him with disgust, and fury in his eyes. The voice of his dad calling him a faggot played over and over again in his head as he tried to sleep. He tried to think of things that made him happy, but he just felt worse because he found that there was really nothing that made him feel joyful anymore.

He had pondered his mind, searching corners left and right for something... someone who made him feel that spark of joy. But his mind was blank. The orange-haired boy thought that his mother was the last person who could really make him smile. She was his best friend, someone who he could talk to about anything. But she had been dead for a few months now. His happiness seemed to die with her that day.

He wondered if things would be different if his mom was still with them today. If she knew about his sexuality, would she love him unconditionally? Would she hold him and tell him that it’s gonna be alright? Or would she spit in his face, and call him slurs, just like his father had? Hinata wanted to believe that she would accept him for who he is. She had always been that type of person – the one who would go out of their way to make everyone feel comfortable and safe in their environment. He recalled memories of when she would help the elderly woman, who lived across the street, grocery show, since she had become unable to do it. He remembered how, whenever he was in a bad mood, his mother would always find a way to make him laugh again... whether it was watching a funny movie together or getting his favorite snacks from one of the convenience stories down the road.

How could someone so sweet, and nice hate her life so much that she would want to end it?, he thought about way to often, when he was drifting off at school or when he was laying in his room late at night. How had she hid her emotions so well? Why couldn’t anyone tell that she was dying inside? His mom always had a big, bright smile on her face paired with an even more lively laugh. It didn’t seem like she was battling with herself on the surface, but if you looked deeper, you could see how much pain she had been in.

The short boy wondered, and wondered... but he knew, deep down, how easy is was to deceive people. He realized that, for the past few months, he had been doing the same thing his mom had – pretending he was okay on the outside, smiling and putting on a mask. But really, internally, he could feel himself sinking deeper and deeper into this dark depression that he was scared he would never get out of. He had absolutely no motivation to do anything anymore, and all he really wanted to do was lock himself in his room and never come out. That seemed ideal. But, even though he wanted that, he still carried on with his life and acted like everything was fine. He still want to school, and volleyball practice (expect for the past three days). He still socialized with his friends, smiled, laughed and played along with the dirty game he had in his head.

But he didn’t want to die. Well, at least, he didn’t think he wanted to. Sure, sometimes he wished that he could disappear from this planet and never come back. He absolutely hated his life, and himself, but dying was something that Hinata was afraid of. It wasn’t the act of death itself that frightened the young boy, but the thought of not existing anymore – being merely a small star in the sky or a gust of wind in the atmosphere. If he died, would people forget about him? Would everyone go on with their daily lives like nothing happened? Would they even miss him?

Those were questions that he didn’t want to dwell on, because, he knew that if he thought about it too deeply, he would find an answer that he didn’t like. And he couldn’t afford anymore painful weight to be added to his shoulders.

So, he couldn’t think about his mother. Because thinking about his mother just made him more depressed than he already was. It was sad how someone who he used to find happiness and comfort in, now made him feel blue inside. When he thought about her, it just made him think more about his own shitty life and how he was repeating the exact same actions his mother was. And that scared him. Was he destined to the same fate as her? Would he, too, be found dead on the bathroom floor by one of his family members? By his little sister? No, he told himself, he’s never gonna let his sister go through the same thing he went through. He never wanted her to feel the amount of pain, and sorrow that he felt. So he decided that he wouldn’t go down the same path that his mom had chose; no matter how bad it got. He needed to stay on here, on this earth– for his sister... for his friends.

Hinata supposed that there was a certain person that made him feel all giddy and happy inside. His mind was suddenly filled with the image of the black-haired, blue-eyed setter. Whenever he was with Kageyama, his heart fluttered inside and whenever the younger boy looked at him a certain way, he could feel his cheeks start to warm up. It was silly, of course, and he knew that. He was just wasting his time pining over this guy who didn’t even like him as a friend – much less as a boyfriend. There was much evidence of that, but he didn’t try to think about it too much. It just made him more sad, knowing that his love was one-sided.

So he liked the taller male in private. He wouldn’t ever admit it, but Hinata liked when he would call him “dumbass” and start useless, meaningless fights with him. Even though most of the conversations they had consisted of them throwing insults at eachother, at least they were talking. The orange-haired boy would have him in any way he could get. Because he’d rather have Kageyama walk all over him, than to have him walk out of his life forever. It was sad, sure, but he was desperate. He was clinging hopelessly onto the person who actually made him feel something. Which is why thinking of the younger boy also brought him a sense of sadness inside, because he knew that they would never be more than mere volleyball partners who hated each other.

He wasn’t excited to go the school for a number of reasons, but one of the major ones was having to face Kageyama after the call they had yesterday. He didn’t know why, but he felt weird inside about it. The black-haired male rarely messaged him, and he had seemed somewhat concerned about Hinata (or maybe it had just been a figment of his imagination, probably). He found himself wondering what would happen when he got to volleyball practice today. Would Kageyama act different? Or would he insult him and call him a dumbass like usual? Probably the latter.

He decided to not get his hopes up.

He laid in his bed for a few moments, staring out the window that was just across his bed. It was a beautiful day outside – the sun was rising in the sky, starting to light up the grey pavement. He could hear the birds chirping happily, and the world was wide awake. He saw people walking down the sidewalks – maybe on the their way to the bus, or to school.

He turned his head to the side, wincing from the stiffness of his muscles, and picked up his phone that was on his bedside table. It was 6:45 in the morning, exactly one hour before school began. Part of him wished he would’ve woke up late, so he had a valid reason to skip school again. But nope, here he was – awake at the perfect time to get ready and be there right on time. No one had texted him or called him again, and part of him was upset inside, even though this is what he had wanted, _right_? For people to not worry about him...

He groaned, running a hand through his messy hair. After laying in bed for another five minutes being lazy, he got up and stretched his joints out. He had done a lot of lying around lately, and his muscles were tight. Hinata had never been a morning person, and today was no exception.

He took his time in getting dressed. He was in no rush. Usually he took a shower in the mornings, but today, he didn’t feel like it. The young boy was too busy overthinking about all the things that could happen today at school. He was absolutely dreading walking through those big wooden doors and into the big crowd of students. He needed to mentally prepare himself in order to get through the whole day without questioning his whole existence (something that he did often).

He didn’t have many friends in school, besides everyone on the volleyball team, but he didn’t have classes with most of them. Kageyama had a few classes with him, but of course, they didn’t speak to each other. They simply just ignored each other’s existence for the time being. Hinata sat in the back of the class and he often caught himself looking at the back of Kageyama’s head, daydreaming about what it would be like if they were actually friends (or more than friends). Sometimes the younger male would catch him staring, and would shoot him an annoyed gaze followed by a “ _What are you looking at, dumbass_?” Even though he was just being an asshole, Hinata was just happy that he was talking to him. Pathetic - he knows.

Yamaguchi and Tsukishima had two classes with him, and they rarely talked as well. Yamaguchi sometimes started small talk with him, like asking about volleyball practice or the homework, but the blonde male never said a word to him. He would just send disgusted glares his way when he talked to the other boy.

So really, he didn’t have any friends. And this made his high school experience even more unbearable than it already was. It wasn’t always like this though. A few months ago, he had tons of friends to keep by his side. But that had been when Hinata was a sociable, bright and approachable person. It used to be easy for him to make friends – everyone liked him. But his mother’s death had changed him, even though he didn’t like to admit it, and that person he used to be died. All his friends had left him. He couldn’t blame them though; He was the one who had drove them away with his downcast emotions and shitty attitude. He was like a parasite, sucking the happiness out of everyone around him. He was a burden, and that’s why they left him.

The orange-haired boy tried not to complain about it too much. There was no point. It was just how things were, and he had gotten used to it. Even though, it did hurt sometimes. He wished he had someone who he could laugh, and share happy memories with. Maybe all he truly wanted was for someone to care about him. That would be nice.

He shook the bad thoughts out of his head, it was too early to already feel like absolute shit. He just needed to get through this day, and then he could escape to his room once again, like he always as did. When he got finished getting dressed, he grabbed his jacket, since he assumed that it would be cold today, and made his way downstairs.

Entering the kitchen, he suddenly stopped in tracks – frozen like a statue. His father was sitting at the large, wooden table, staring dead at him.

Hinata was suprised. He hadn’t been thinking about the fact that his father could be home. He was usually at work by now, since he had really early shifts. Which is why it didn’t make sense that the old man was sitting down – a cup of coffee in one hand and a newspaper in the other. He gripped harshly onto the straps of his backpack, his knuckles turning white. He could just feel his heart start to race with anxiousness at the sight of the other male. Why wasn’t he at work? Is he gonna lash out at me once again?

They stared at each other for a moment, silence settling between them. There was a new found tension in the air, and Hinata gulped uncomfortably. He didn’t know what to say. He was too afraid to speak up. He stared at his dad carefully, trying to study him. But he was too hard to read, the young boy couldn’t tell what the other was thinking about. His expression was flat, and he looked uninterested. Somehow, that was even more frightening – not knowing what he was about to do.

He titled his head to the side, staring intensely at his son. “Finally decided to go to school, huh?” He asked, a condescending tone to his voice.

The short boy’s gaze fell to the ground  defenselessly, a wave of vulnerability washing over him. _You’re so fucking stupid, Hinata_ , He cursed himself. _You should’ve just gone to school. You should’ve known this was gonna happen._ Of course he would get upset. He was a complete idiot, thinking he could get away with skipping school for three days.

“Huh?” His father pressed further, leaning forward, sitting down his coffee and newspaper in the process. He was waiting for the other boy to answer him.

Hinata was afraid that if he spoke, his words would come out all broken and hoarse, and he would make a huge fool of himself. He didn’t know the right words to say. He could lie, his father would just see right through him. There was no excuses for skipping school. And even if there were, he didn’t think his father would give two fucks about his feelings.

“You didn’t... uh, say anything about it so I thought you didn’t care…” He managed to get out, playing with his fingers nervously. He regretted almost immediately after he said it. He mentally punched himself in the face for being so stupid, and letting his mouth get the best of him.

It was a silent for a moment, as if the other man was processing what he had just said. His father scoffed, letting out a wicked sounding laugh. “And you think it’s _my_ fault that you skipped three days of school?” He asked angrily, his voice rising within seconds. He suddenly got up from his seat, and started walking in the direction of his son. Hinata impulsively stepped back, his back hitting the wall. He cowered in on himself, feeling the heavy weight of his father’s presence in front of him. “I just didn’t say anything because I couldn’t bring myself to be around you more than I had too.”

His words hit Hinata like truck. They crashed into his heart, shattering it. The pieces were scattered all over the place, leaving only a mess behind. His mouth fell open, and he balled his hands into fists, digging his nails into his skin as deep as he could. He could barely feel the pain of it – the pain in his heart was much greater. He couldn’t bring himself to look at his father because, he knew that if he did, he would see that look of disgust and hatred in his eyes. He would see the disappointment of having a son like him. And he couldn’t take anymore of the pain.

“I-I’m sorry,” The orange-haired boy whispered, his voice quivering. He didn’t even know what he was apologizing for. Skipping school? Lying? Being a huge and utter disappointment to his father?

In the matter of seconds, the older man drew his fist up and struck Hinata across the face, punching him. His knees gave out of underneath him, and he fell to the floor, clutching the side of his face in shock. Pain shot through him, his lips started to violently sting. When he pulled his hand back, it was covered in crimson blood. Before he could stop himself, his mind traveled to the day his mother had died. He remembered how her blood had been painted on his hands, as if he killed her himself.

“You need to leave,” His dad growled, his voice dangerously low. He was looking down on Hinata with disgust, like he was nothing but dirt under his feet. It was no request – it was a demand, and a _warning_. A warning to tell his son that he would do something way worse than punching him if he stayed.

Hinata  didn’t dare look up at his father. He was too scared, practically shaking in fear. He didn’t waste any time as he grabbed his backpack that had fallen onto the floor with him, stumbled up onto his feet, and rushed out the door. He didn’t look back.

When he was halfway there, it started to rain. He didn’t bring an umbrella. The water poured down on him, wetting his hair and soaking through his uniform. He looked like a fool, and he felt like one too. He looked down at his sleeves, seeing that it was now stained with blood. Bringing his hand up to his mouth, he flinched, the sting of the punch still fresh in his mind. He didn’t think it would’ve came to this – his father being this aggressive with him. Sure, he thought that he would get slapped again. But a _punch_?

His father must _really_ hate him.

He sighed, running a hand through his drenched, now unstyled hair. This fucking sucked. Everything fucking sucked. What did he do to deserve this? Why did bad things always have to happen to him? He followed directions, he was never disrespected to anyone, he was a hardworker and he always tried his best to make other’s happy. But, in the end, he was the one who was unhappy. He had forgot when he had started to live everyday like it was battle, instead of something that he should enjoy. It was like he was just waiting for the day that he could quietly disappear from this world and never come back.

Even though he didn’t want to admit it, there was some part of him inside that wondered what it would be like if he did die. He imagined it would be peaceful. He wouldn’t have to deal with his father, or worry about faking his happiness and putting on his facade everyday. He could finally get some rest. It seemed nice....

But he couldn’t do that, of course. He wouldn’t, no matter how hard it got. He would just wait longingly until the day he happened to slip from the world naturally. His time would come. And he wouldn’t decline it’s invitation – he would simply invite him in, make him dinner perhaps...

As he waited at the crossroad, he felt tears start to roll down his cheeks. They mixed in with the cold rain, and his damaged heart was now freezing passionately inside of him.

  
  



	5. It Will Take A While To Make You Smile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOT PROOFREAD
> 
> TW: mentions of disordered eating, and abuse

Hinata had managed to get through the school day without feeling the need to hide in a bathroom and cry. He realized that he had been overreacting about coming back to school. He had worked himself up, getting anxious at the thought of all the questioning that would happen, and all the lies he would have to tell. But none of that happened. Right when he had got to school the morning, and sat down in his first period class, he had realized that he didn’t have any friends. So of course no one would question him while during school hours.

Even the fellow first years on the volleyball team didn’t pester him with questions once he showed up in their fourth period class that they all shared with one another.

He had been late – because he had fell asleep in his other class, and his teacher hadn’t woken him up (very well-deserved it seemed). And he rushed into class exactly two minutes after the bell rang, echoing throughout the whole school with a loud ding. The orange-haired boy had practically ran to get there on time; Even though it turned out that he was late anyways. He was left leaning against the doorframe, sweat dripping down his forehead and his hair a huge disheveled mess. He was out of breath, dramatically panting like he was going to die. It was extremely embarrassing, considering he was an athlete. He blamed it on the fact that he couldn’t even remember that last time he had a full meal this week.

All the heads in the classroom had turned to him, and their eyes were wide-open, shocked to see such an amusing sight before them. Some people had laughed. Some people just stared like he was crazy. Either way, it made him self-conscious. With everyone’s gaze fixated on him, he felt like they were judging him – picking him apart because of his secret... He couldn’t help but feel paranoid in the moment. Did they know? How did they find out?

He knew that those thoughts were silly. Of course they didn’t know. How could they? But Hinata’s mind was his worst enemy, and it fed him dark and intrusive thoughts that were false. So that he would turn against himself, and self-destruct. And it always worked. Because he was weak.

“We’ll talk after class,” The teacher had said sternly, snapping the boy out of his thoughts and bringing him back to reality. The teacher pointed to his seat, which was in the back of the class, and motioned for him to sit down. “You can take your seat now.”

He nodded. Words were suddenly hard to come by, and his throat was oddly hoarse. He walked slowly to his seat, clutching the straps of his backpack tightly to stop from the sudden shakiness he felt grow within him. He was painfully aware of everyone’s eyes still focused on him. Can’t they just look away? Did he look weird today? Haven’t they ever seen someone who was late to class before? He couldn’t understand what was so interesting that they couldn’t stop looking at him.

On the way to his seat, he passed his fellow first year “friends” that were on the volleyball team. Yamaguchi looked up at him as he walked by, offering him a small, and slightly awkward smile. At least he was being friendly, even if  they still weren’t that close. Hinata smiled back, nodding in his direction as a small greeting. Tsukishima seemed to be asleep – his head rested on his desk, and his eyes closed. Even if he was awake, he knew that the blonde wouldn’t even have looked in his direction. Not that he cared though. Hinata didn’t have any interest in becoming friends with the bean stock – he was a complete asshole and had a horrid attitude.

His heart pounded in his chest as he met eyes with the black-haired boy for a few moments. Kageyama had a confused expression plastered on his face, his eyebrows furrowed as he stared at the other boy. But he looked down after only a few seconds, focusing his gaze back onto the work that was on his desk. Hinata felt his heart sting a little bit. He had thought the other boy would’ve at least greeted him... but no. Just a puzzled look on his face. Did that call not mean anything? Did Kageyama not care that he was back? But Hinata quickly begun to laugh at himself, realizing that those thoughts were hysterical. Of course he didn’t care. The only thing that the black-haired male ever thought about was volleyball. He practically ate, breathed, and slept it. Hinata was just wishful thinking.

The short boy finally reaches his seat, after what seems like forever, and sits down in defeat. Somehow just walking into his fourth period class had drained all his energy out, and now he was exhausted.

He ended up falling asleep in that class too.

***

By the time it was time for practice, Hinata was practically sleep walking. Even though he had rested in almost every class, he was somehow even more tired than before the day started. And he found himself yearning for his bed. He could hear it calling to him – those soft, and warm covers that he would bury himself in. But the first years already knew that he had attended school, so he would surely get in trouble if he didn’t show up for practice today. He couldn’t afford to miss anymore days, and he knew that Coach Ukai and Daichi were probably frustrated with them. He didn’t want to provoke them further.

He also remembered that his home was no longer a place that he fell safe in anyways. Being away from that house was probably the best case for him, knowing that his father would be waiting there for him. Hinata could feel himself getting scared at just the thought of what he would to do him when he got home. He would surely get punched in the face again... or even worse.

So he dragged himself to the gym, barely being able to keep his eyes open. Despite the sun being out, it was cold outside and he wrapped his arms around his small frame and shivered, trying to capture all the warmth. When he reached the building, it was empty. Just as he had hoped. He wanted to get there earlier than everyone else so that he could get dressed without anyone watching. Weirdly, he had become more self-conscious of his body since as of recently. He blamed it on the fact that he had become embarrassingly thin from the lack of eating that he was doing. And he didn’t want anyone to make any comments about it because if he was questioned, he didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t tell them that he was practically starving himself.

He reached the locker room, and opened the door. He immediately froze in the doorway, staring at the back of Kageyama’s head. The black-haired boy snapped his neck around, and they meet each other’s gaze. The younger looked him up and down for a moment, as if studying him, before turning back around and focusing his attention back on the shoelace that he was in the middle of tying.

_Shit_ , Hinata thought. _Why the hell was he here_? Kageyama never came to practice this early, yet he sitting right there in front of him, changing his clothes. It would have been less burdensome if it had been any other person. But no, of course it was Kageyama, one of the people who he was dreading on seeing. The orange-haired male had been almost sure that no one would be here at this time, since it was at least another forty minutes before practice actually started. _Great_ – It was just his luck. Nothing ever went his way, so he shouldn’t even be surprised anymore.

Realizing that he looked like an idiot just standing like a statue in the doorway, he walked over to his locker and started to open it. But he was having trouble – his fingers fumbling with the lock, and his hands unusually clammy. _Get ahold of yourself, Hinata,_ he told himself. _It’s just Kageyama. Ignore him._ But he could feel the younger male’s eyes boring into the back of his head, and he was suddenly extremely conscious of his presence.

“Feeling better?” Kageyama suddenly said, speaking up. His voice seemed to echo off the concrete walls of the locker room.

Hinata whipped his head around, dropping his hands from his lock, and subtlety trying to wipe the sweat from his hands. He stared at him for a second, finding himself taken aback. He couldn’t help but admire how beautiful Kageyama looked in that moment. _Had he become even more attractive while he was gone?,_ he thought. His black hair was slightly messy today, the stands sticking out in all different directions. Hinata decided that he had liked it better that way. His lips had a pink tint to them, and he wondered what it would be like to lean forward and connect their lips together. They would probably be soft, and sweet. The shorter boy was sure that Kageyama was a good kisser – I mean, he just had that look about him...

He snapped out of his thoughts suddenly, coming back to reality and realizing that he had been fantasizing about kissing the other boy for a few good seconds. He looked utterly stupid – his mouth agape, and his gaze fixed blankly on the other’s lips.

“Oh! Uh...” Hinata said, stumbling over his words as he tried to remember what the taller male had just said. He had gotten to caught up in his own thoughts. Oh yeah... he had come up with the excuse that he was sick and that’s why he had been absent. “Yeah! I’m feeling okay now...”

Kageyama squinted, staring intensely at the older boy. Hinata could feel himself tense up under the other’s eyes. Why was he looking at him like that? Could he tell that he was lying?

“Good,” He stated, nodding. Then he turned back to his shoes, and finished tying the laces. “You must’ve felt really bad since you missed three whole days.”

Hinata laughed nervously, turning back to his locker and managing to unlock it without embarrassing himself any further. He didn’t want to look at the older boy any longer because he knew that if he did, Kageyama would be able to see right through his lies. It was odd, he thought. Hinata had never considered himself a bad liar, since he had faked his happiness for such a long time now and barely anyone noticed, but somehow, the black-haired boy could always tell when he was lying.

“Oh... yeah,” He said, clearing his throat and trying to rack his mind to find something to say. He searched aimlessly through his locker, just trying to find something to do with his hands. “I really didn’t want to miss practice but I could barely get out of bed. It was horrible.”

“I see,” Kageyama replied, nodding slowly. He sounded suspicious, like he didn’t fully believe what the other was telling him, but nonetheless, he didn’t press further. Hinata was grateful. “Everyone was worried. You’ve never missed practice before. They’ll be happy that you’re back.”

“Oh...” Hinata said, a small smile appearing on his face. Had they really been worried about him? Would they really be happy that he returned? “I’m happy to be back. I missed you guys,” He said, grabbing his practice clothes out of his locker. It was partially the truth. A part of him inside had missed his friends, but another part of him was also extremely exhausted and he was itching to go home and sleep the rest of the day away.

It was silent between the two boys for a few moments, the sound of the clock ticking filling the atmosphere. The two boys continued to get dressed in silence, and a part of Hinata wanted to speak up and say something. A tense feeling had settled upon them, and he couldn’t shake it. But he had nothing to say. It’s not like him and Kageyama were friends, and it would be odd for the older boy to suddenly start small talk with him. What would even he say? _I’m in love with you and I want to kiss you till you’re out of breath?_ That would surely freak the other boy out.

He risked sneaking a glance at the taller boy, and his breath caught in his throat. His shirt was now discarded carelessly on the floor, and he was staring down at something displayed on his phone screen. It’s not like he hadn’t seen the black-haired boy shirtless before, but he still couldn’t help but admire how lean and muscular the other was. He had perfect proportions, and a perfect face to match it. He was beautiful and fit – everything that Hinata wasn’t. He was jealous, he couldn’t deny it. He wanted to look as effortlessly attractive as Kageyama, but he was short and practically just bones and skin now. He supposed that he couldn’t blame it on anyone else though. He had brought this upon himself, and the only person who could turn it around was also himself.

Sensing eyes on him, Kageyama snapped his gaze up to meet the shorter male, and Hinata froze for a second, before quickly turning his attention back to his own clothes. _Shit, you just got caught staring at his shirtless body,_ he thought. _You’re such an idiot._

He heard Kageyama clear his throat. “What happened to your face?” He asked curiously, staring at the other’s back.

There it was, Hinata thought. The taller boy is back to being an asshole. Of course this “nice” act hadn’t lasted long. He scoffed, turning back around to meet Kageyama’s eyes. “What the hell is wrong with _my_ face? What’s wrong with _your_ face?” He spat, feeling annoyance rise within him.

“Shut up, dumbass,” The younger boy snapped, rolling his eyes. “I’m talking about your lip. It looks busted.”

Hinata’s hand immediately flies up to his mouth, and he runs his fingers tips over his lips. And there it was – a scab from where his father had punched him like morning. He had completely forgot about it throughout the day. It hadn’t even crossed his mind that a mark could be left behind from how hard the older man had struck him.

“ _Shit_ ,” He whispered to himself, feeling panic rise within him. He turned around, and glared at his reflection in the small mirror that hung on his locker door. The other boy hadn’t been lying. The corner of his mouth was busted, dried up blood and a decent size bruise around his lips. Had he really went through the whole day like this? No wonder people had been staring at him all day. He looked like he had got beaten up (which wasn’t false).

He grabbed the old water bottle that sat in his locker, and poured the liquid over his hands quickly. He rubbed the corner of his mouth violently, hissing as the pain registered in his brain. After scrubbing hard for a few minutes, the blood was gone but his lip was still slightly red and irritated from all the rubbing he did. And there was a big cut upon his mouth, paired with an even bigger bruise. This was bad. This was really fucking bad. He had walked around all day looking like this. People were probably suspicious now. And he couldn’t stand the idea of having to be interrogated by his fellow teammates.

He turned back to Kageyama, remembering that the younger boy had been standing there. “Oh, it’s nothing!” He exclaimed, a huge fake smile plastered on his face. He tried to wave it off, reassuring the other boy that it was nothing to fret over. “I just fell.”

Kageyama didn’t look amused.

He suddenly got up from his seat on the bench, and started to walk towards Hinata. When he got closer, the orange-haired boy took a step backwards, his back hitting the lockers. He barely felt the stinging pain coming from his head, as he was too busy staring up at younger boy with wide eyes. Why the hell was he so close?, Hinata thought to himself. Does this idiot know what personal space is?

Kageyama was looking down on him with a stern expression on his face, his lips pressed into a straight line. His eyes were searching the other’s face, as if trying to find an answer to a question he had. Hinata could feel his heart beating violently in his chest, and he hoped that Kageyama couldn’t here him. The two boy’s had never been this close to each other before, and confusion filled Hinata’s mind. He struggled to keep his eyes focused on the black-haired male’s face, due to the fact that he was still shirtless. He curled his hands into fists, and bit his tongue, anxious to hear what the other was about to say.

“You’re such a bad liar that it’s almost comedic,” Kageyama deadpans, crossing his arms and leaning back on his heels so that they weren’t that close anymore.

Hinata was quick to defend himself. “I’m not lying!” He exclaimed, even though he was indeed doing so. _Shit_ , he thought. _How could this asshole see right through me so well?_

He rolls his eyes, and Hinata thinks he can almost see a ghost of a smirk appear on his face. The smaller boy couldn’t help it when his eyes fell down to his chest. He took a deep breath, inhaling. It was annoying how hot Kageyama is, and it was even more annoying how he didn’t even know it. He had confessions from desperate girls and boys flooding his locker almost everyday, and yet he didn’t even look their way. He just threw the letters away like they meant nothing. That’s one of the reasons why Hinata declared that he would never confess to the younger boy. He would just laugh in his face. And, anyways, if he didn’t accept any of those pretty girls and hot boys confessions, why would he accept his? He’d probably be disgusted, if anything.

“You’re voice gets high when you lie,” He states confidently, digging his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants.

Hinata shakes his head, doing whatever it takes to deny the other’s claims. Even though he knew that Kageyama already knew he was lying, he still felt the need to keep up this front. He was embarrassed. “No, it doesn’t!” He says, his voice going at least an octave higher than usual. _Fuck_. He was right.

Kageyama let’s out a laugh, covering his mouth with his hand in attempt to stop it. The orange-haired boy stares at him, confused as to why he was cracking up. He was also slightly shocked, since the other boy rarely smiled, even less, laugh. He felt dumb, not getting the joke.

“ _Hey_! What’s so funny, asshole?” Hinata asked, crossing his arms and waiting for the other boy to answer him.

After a few more seconds, he stops. Then he takes one step forward, then another... and _another_ , and now he’s practically all up in the shorter boy’s personal space. Hinata takes a step back, and pears up at Kageyama. It suddenly got ten times hotter, and he felt the need to dash out of the locker room and make a run for it. But his feet were glued to the floor, and he couldn’t bring himself to move. He was trapped under the taller’s gaze.

He swallowed hard. God, does this asshole know what he’s doing to him? Can he feel how hard his heart is beating in his chest?

“So, what was it then?” Kageyama asks, an amused edge to his voice. He enjoyed getting a kick out of Hinata. “Did you get into a fight or something?”

Hinata was ataken back for a moment, surprised at the accusation. _Him? Getting into a fight?_ Now that was comedic. Although, it did seem better than saying he got beat up by his father for being gay.

“Um, yeah,” He lies, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. He tried his best to keep his voice from going higher, since it was an indicator that he was lying, according to the taller boy. “I got into a fight this morning.”

It was Kageyama’s turn to be shocked. He blinked, not believing his ears. Even though he had asked, he didn’t really expect the other boy to say yes. Hinata didn’t peg him as someone who would get into a fight. He never got into trouble, and he was generally a good kid. He was also friendly with a lot of people, and he didn’t think that people often held grudges against Hinata, since he was nice to everyone.

He tilts his head to the side, a curious look on his face. “ _Really?_ ” He asks, still not believing it just yet. “Who?”

“What?” Hinata asks, confused.

Kageyama sighs, annoyed at his stupidity. “Who did you get into a fight with, you dumbass?” He answers, surprised at how dense the other boy was.

Hinata makes the _oh_ sound. God, he was stupid. He quickly racked his mind, trying to think of a person. But he couldn’t think of anybody. He didn’t have problems with any of his classmates, since he used to be a very social person. Just a few months ago, before everything went bad, he had been friends with practically everyone. So he wasn’t on bad terms with anyone. He bit his tongue, thinking so hard that he could feel a headache forming at his temples. He was starting to look suspicious as more time passed.

So he said the first name that came to his mind. “Yuta....from my second period class!” He exclaimed with false confidence.

Yuta was one of the male students that he used to be friends with. He was probably one of the people from his classes that he was closer with. He remembered how Yuta used to come over to his house before his mom died. She’d make them dinner, and sometimes, she’d even play video games with them if they needed more than two players. But after she died, he stopped coming over. All of his friends stopped coming over. It’s not that they didn’t want to – the orange-haired boy just didn’t feel like anyone over anymore. He thought it would just be a phase, but to this day, none of his friends have visited him since.

So, him and Yuta fell off. It was all Hinata’s fault though, of course. A lot of things seemed to be his fault. He had fallen into a depression, and he continued to push people that cared about him away until he was all alone. When he found himself complaining about his lonely self, he reminded himself that he had brought this upon himself. He didn’t have the right to be sad about it.

Hinata and the other boy rarely talked now. They would pass each other in the hall sometimes, and Yuta would offer a sad, small smile, and Hinata would smile back. But that’s all. Yuta sat in the back of the class, while the short boy sat in the front. They barely even glanced at each other, much less, have a conversation. But still, there wasn’t any bad blood between them. Yuta understood that the other boy had been going through, and he respected it.

Hinata felt kind of bad, regretting saying his old friend’s name as soon as it came out of his mouth, but he had panicked.

“Yuta?” Kageyama asked, furrowing his eyebrows and looking off to the side, as if in deep thought. “I thought you two were friends.”

He bit his lip, looking down at the ground. “We used to be,” He explains, raking his mind for a good, believable excuse. “But obviously, we’re not anymore. I guess we had a lot of pent up anger against each other, and this morning, I accidentally ran into him in the hallway, and that’s when it started. He threw the first punch.”

Kageyama is silent for a few minutes, processing what Hinata had just said. He guessed that it was true, since he couldn’t think of any other reason as to why his lip would be busted like that. And the shorter male didn’t look like he was lying.

“Damn,” He says, simply, leaning back against the lockers next to Hinata. “You must really hate him to fight with him. You don’t seem like someone who would do that stuff, especially knowing that you could get into trouble with volleyball and stuff.”

“Well, yeah...” Hinata agrees, nodding and turning his gaze back to his locker, digging through it aimlessly. “He hurt me a lot in the past,” He cringes at the words that came out of his mouth, mentally apologizing to Yuta in his mind.

Kageyama didn’t press about how Yuta had hurt him. He figured that he was already invading his privacy too much, and he looked visibly uncomfortable. Another long moment of silence passed between the two of them.

Hinata awkwardly took off his shirt, figuring that it was about time that he got dressed. The whole point in coming early was so that he could get it done quickly. He shivered as the cold air hit his bare skin, and he tried to make himself look smaller, feeling insecure and vulnerable. The black-haired boy was right next to him, leaning on the locker next to his. Hinata avoided his gaze, keeping his eyes fixed on the ground. He could feel Kageyama’s eyes on him.

Another few minutes passed, and Hinata was now fully dressed in his practice clothes. It took more time than usual in putting them on, since he could feel the taller boy’s gaze fixed on him almost the entire time. What the hell was it with this asshole and invading his personal space today?

Kageyama was still leaned up against the lockers, his arms crossed. He was looking up at the ceiling, mindlessly counting the tiles that lined the room. “Who won?” He suddenly asked, before holding up his hand and stopping the other male from answering. “Nevermind. It’s already obvious that you lost.”

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” Hinata snaps, resting his hand on his hips and looking at Kageyama like he was crazy.

He looked down at him, and smirked. Hinata tried to ignore how his heart skipped a beat. “Well, look at your face,” He says, a playful tone to his voice. He can’t help but let out a laugh as well. “You look pretty bad.”

Hinata was about to snap back, before he stopped himself. He didn’t feel like wasting his energy on this asshole’s snarky comments. He really needed to work on his anger issues. “Well shit, thanks,” He says, rolling his eyes. “I already know that, asshole.”

“Well, it’s good that you’re self aware.”

The orange-haired boy raises his hand, as if to hit the other boy, but Kageyama is already walking away from him, heading back to his own locker. “So _fucking_ annoying,” Hinata whispers under his breath, loud enough for the other to hear it. He turns back to his locker, and stuffs his backpack in it.

Another moment of awkward silence passes between them.

Hinata decides that it’s his turn to speak up. A question has been pondering his mind. “Why do you even care?”

Kageyama puts his phone down and turns towards Hinata. He stares at him for a few seconds, his expression surprisingly soft. It was a foreign look on him. “Like I said before, you’re my partner and if you get seriously hurt, it could cost us a game. And we can’t afford to lose anymore.”

Hinata doesn’t say anything to that. He just nods, and turns his back to the younger boy once again. His gaze falls to the cold tiled floors, and he feels his heart sink in his chest. There it was – that sadness that always found a way to creep up inside of him and rise to the surface without any warning. His mood immediately does a complete one-eighty. It was scary how quick his mood went to shit. The words of Kageyama play over and over in his head. ‘And we can’t afford to lose anymore.’ It was his fault that they lost the last game, and it would probably be his fault again that they lost the upcoming one. And then another wave of self-hatred would wash over him and he’d beat himself down until he couldn’t take it anymore.

He didn’t want that to happen for a second time, because if it did then he wasn’t so sure that he would be able to pick himself back up again.

Hinata squeezed his eyes shut, trying to shake the bad thoughts from his head. This wasn’t the time nor the place to dwell on how much he hated his life. He remembered that he had a facade that he needed to hold up. He was the happy, sociable Hinata that everyone knew, not the depressed Hinata that was the sad reality. He couldn’t let people know how much pain he was truly going through because he would just be more of a burden. So he sucked it up, and put on his happy face. He reminded himself that he only had to endure it for a few more hours, then he could go home and let everything out.

Like he always did.

***

When all the other boys arrived, they were beyond surprised to see Hinata. They had huge smiles plastered on their faces, and they greeted him with warm embraces. A small ping of happiness grew inside of him as he saw the happy faces of his teammates. He could feel his mood slightly getting better. Where they really glad to see him? It seemed that way, as they didn’t yell at him for missing practice for three days.

Hinata had been preparing himself for them to ask a lot of questions, but surprisingly, they didn’t. Of course, the other’s asked why he had missed so many days, and he lied, saying that he was sick. He tried not to watch Kageyama as he fed his teammates lies, but he could feel the black-haired boy’s judging eyes fixed on him the entire time. But he didn’t speak up, and tell the truth, he just watched Hinata with a look of amusement on his face. That asshole probably got a kick out of him stumbling over his words and making a fool of himself.

Almost two hours had passed, and practice was still going on strong. The team usually got finished by seven o’clock. Hinata found himself glancing at the clock every few minutes, eager to get home and go to bed. Tonight, he thought, maybe he could get some actual sleep since he was beyond exhausted from his first day back at school after his short break.

He found himself oddly tired, even though he had slept through most of the day already. Everyone else seemed to be wide awake, and focused. They passed the ball around, yelling commands and practicing like they were in a real game. Hinata tried his best to keep up with their high energy, and precision, but he found himself having a hard time focusing on anything.

He felt overwhelmingly hot, even though he had barely been putting effort into anything he was doing. He inhaled and exhaled violently, feeling out of breath. He tipped his head back for a moment, and squeezed his eyes shut. His shirt was drenched, and beads of sweat fell down his forehead. _Fuck_ , did they turn up the heat in here or something? Why wasn’t anyone else looking effected? He tipped his head back, and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to numb the sudden wave of nausea that had washed over him. When he opened them again, the ground seemed to spin, and his vision had become blurry. He stumbled a bit, feeling lightheaded, before trying to ground himself. He looked around, studying everyone’s faces to see if they had noticed but they weren’t paying attention to him. _Why do I feel so sick?,_ He thought to himself. _Was it payback for faking that he was sick a few days ago?_

Hinata focused his gaze on a small spot in the wall, trying to stop the room from spinning. His hands were shaking, and he squeezed them into fists. His legs felt unstable beneath him, threatening to collapse and give out. He was confused as to why he felt so weird, since he had felt fine just moments ago. It didn’t make sense to him, but a lot didn’t make sense to him right now. His mind was a mess, and all he could focus on was the pounding in his head.

“Hinata!” He heard someone say, snapping him out of his train of thoughts. The orange-haired boy turned around, and was met with the confused face of Tanaka. “Stop spacing out. We have a game tomorrow, and you need to focus since you already missed three days,” He stated, holding the volleyball in his hand.

He knew that the older boy wasn’t trying to be harsh, or rude – he was just telling the truth but Hinata couldn’t help but feel hurt by his words. He was reminded once again by how he was a burden. Hinata hadn’t even thought about how him skipping practice could effect the other teammates. _God_ , why did he have to fuck up so many things? All the problems that they were having in practice recently were all because of Hinata. In the past, he rarely got yelled at, but recently, he was the root of criticisms.

“R-Right,” He stutters, his voice unstable and shaken up. “I’m sorry...”

Tanaka softens his expression, and sighs, feeling bad for getting upset. “It’s okay. Just try and focus better, okay? We have to win tomorrow, and we can’t do that without you,” He says encouragingly, the corner of his mouth turning up.

A ghost of a smile appears on Hinata’s face, and his gaze falls the ground. “Okay,” He replies weakly, feeling like absolute shit (both mentally and physically.)

He turns back to the net, and catches Kageyama’s eyes beside him in the process. The younger boy is staring at him with the same look again, as if he’s studying him. Hinata doesn’t even have the energy to snap at him, so he just looks away and tries to shake the feeling of nausea.

He hears a whistle sound in the background, and the voice of someone yelling ‘ _Start_!’, but he can’t make out who it is. The loud beating of his heart fills his ears, and he’s suddenly aware of how fast his pulse is. The sweat continues to fall from his face, and he tries to stop himself from breathing too loudly, but he can’t help it. He holds his hand to his heart, as if that would do anything to stop the horrible feeling that keeps growing within him. He looks over at Kageyama, and the boy has the ball in his hand now, and he’s passing it to Hinata, but the orange-haired boy isn’t there to hit it.

The color drained from his face, and his legs gave out from underneath him. He collapsed, his knees hitting the ground harshly. His vision went blurry, and everything became fuzzy. He heard someone yell his name but it was far away, and muffled, like he was in a tunnel.

His vision suddenly went black, and he passed out, slowly slipping away from consciousness.

***

He woke up, his eyes fluttering open. He was staring up at a plain, tiled ceiling. His mind was fuzzy, and his vision was slightly warped. He wondered where he was, struck with confusion. The last thing that he remembered was practicing in the gym. He was laying down on what felt like a bed. It was uncomfortable, and the mattress underneath him was too hard. He was also unusually cold, shivering as the air hit his skin.

Hinata craned his neck to the side, ignoring how tight his muscles were. He must have been sleeping in a weird position. To his left, there was a counter, paired with some shelf’s hanging above it. On the surface sat a lot of paperwork, a computer, a bottle of sanitizer, and locked containers. He immediately recognized it. He was in the nurse’s office. He had only came here a few times in the past, like when he was faking a sickness so he could go home, or the rare times that he was actually sick.

That’s when he remembered – he had passed out during practice. _Fuck_ , he cursed himself. He had probably messed up the whole practice, and ruined everything. This wasn’t the first time either. Things always seemed to not go his way, and no matter what the problem that arose was, it was always his fault somehow. He guessed he was just that type of person who fucked up everything that he came into contact with. It was that same cycle again. The one where he felt okay for a while, then things suddenly went to shit and he absolutely dreaded his life. It was sad, but that’s how it was.

Hinata sighed, stretching his arms out. He yawned, as he was still exhausted. All of the sudden, he heard the sound of shuffling from the corner of the room, and his eyes landed on Kageyama. The boy was sitting in a black seat, his phone screen illuminating his face. The orange-haired male immediately shot up in his seat, shocked to see the setter. He regretted it though, because he was still a little lightheaded, and the room started to spin again.

Kageyama snapped his head up, his attention being drawn the shorter boy, realizing that he had finally waken up. “ _Dumbass_!” He exclaimed, a worried tone escaping his voice at Hinata’s dumb actions. He almost got up from his seat, before stopping himself. “Lay down. You’re not suppose to make sudden movements.”

He pouted, crossing his arms over his chest, and complying, resting his back against the hard mattress once again. He didn’t have the energy to fight with the other boy at the moment. He still didn’t feel one-hundred percent okay, and he didn’t want to make things worse.

It was silent for a few minutes, and the two boy’s looked everywhere in the room but each other, as if avoiding eye contact. Hinata sighs, hating the awkward tension that was between them. This was the second time today that they were alone, and it hadn’t been ideal. It was like the world was against him, constantly making him relive uncomfortable situations. Why did everything have to weird with him and Kageyama when they were alone?, he wandered. It was probably because they weren’t close at all, and barely had conversations outside of volleyball practice.

Hinata coughed, breaking the silence. “Why are you here?” He deadpanned, side-eyeing the younger boy. He wouldn’t ever admit it, but some part of him was happy that the other boy was with him, even it was unbearably awkward.

Kageyama scoffed at his attitude. “It’s not like I wanna be here,” He said, rolling his eyes. The other tried to ignore the sting in his heart at those words. “Daichi made me stay.”

Hinata nodded, pursing his lips. He started to play with his fingers nervously. Of course Kageyama didn’t stay here because he cared about you, stop getting your hopes up. He doesn’t like you, he reminded himself. Stop wishful thinking, it’s just useless. He doesn’t care about anything else expect volleyball – it’s basically his whole life. Hinata thought that he should find something that he could become obsessed with, and then maybe he would stop thinking about the black-haired boy so much. But he knew that probably wouldn’t work anyways. He was too far in deep with his feelings for Kageyama, and he didn’t think anything could truly change that.

“I fucked up practice, didn’t I?” He breathed out, not being able to hide the disappointment and sadness in his voice. His gaze fell to his hand that were tangled up in the sheets of the bed.

Kageyama looked up at him, his brows furrowed in concern at the sudden dip in the shorter boy’s mood. “No,” He stated, trying to reassure him. “They’re probably still practicing right now. When you fainted, we just took you here, and then they went back and continued practice. You didn’t fuck anything up.”

Hinata looked up, staring at Kageyama. He still wasn’t very reassured, but nonetheless, he nodded, acting as if he understood. He had already probably caused a lot of his teammates to worry about him, and he didn’t want to cause more panic. It felt weird when people spent their time worrying over him, since he was nothing to waste your time on.

“I had a feeling you were gonna faint,” Kageyama starts to say, “You looked really pale, and you were acting weird.”

“Yeah... I was feeling pretty nauseous and lightheaded,” Hinata responded, figuring that there was no need to lie since the evidence was right there. He would just make a fool out of himself if he did.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” The black-haired boy asked, his voice coming off more harshly than he intended too. He wasn’t trying to sound rude, he was just confused and slightly annoyed at how little Hinata cared about his well-being.

Hinata was a little shocked at the other’s tone for a second, but he relaxed. A nervous laugh left his mouth and he said, “I didn’t want to interrupt practice for you guys. I had already missed three days, and I didn’t want to make anyone more upset than they already were.”

Kageyama sighed, gazing at him with concerning eyes. “You idiot,” He says playfully, “If you were feeling sick, you should’ve said something. No one would be mad. Your health is more important than some stupid volleyball practice.”

They both stared at each other blankly for a moment after that. Kageyama seemed to just realize the words that came out of his mouth, and he blushed, looking down at the ground.

The younger boy wasn’t good at showing his emotions, and he rarely ever truly expressed himself or what he was feeling. And he was often closed off and reserved, that being one of the reasons why he didn’t have many friends. He especially wasn’t friends with Hinata – all they did was fight and bicker with each other. But he still cared about him, even though he didn’t want to admit it. And sometimes Hinata would do stupid shit that pissed him off – like knowing he was about to faint and not telling anybody, and he would feel the need to snap at the older boy for not taking care of himself.

_Your health is more important than some stupid volleyball practice._ The words played over and over in Hinata’s mind. He had thought he misheard it for a minute, but no, he had said volleyball was stupid compared to Hinata’s health. Volleyball – the most important thing in Kageyama’s life, the thing that he never shut up about, the thing he cared about most in this world. Yet, he said it was stupid compared to the importance of the orange-haired boy’s health. There it was again, that false hope that always crept up inside of him once in a while. Hinata wished that he could speak up, and tell Kageyama not to say things like that, but he just wouldn’t understand. He felt his heart skip a beat, and he thought he saw the other male’s cheeks turn pink, but it was probably just a figment of his imagination.

Kageyama coughed, clearing his throat and breaking the new found tension in the air. “W-Whatever,” He stumbled over his words, trying to hide the blush that was in his cheeks. _What the hell is your problem, Kageyama? Pull it together. You look beyond stupid right now._ “I’m just saying that if you do something like that again, I’ll beat your ass and then you’ll really be in pain,” He snapped, trying to play it off.

Hinata couldn’t hide the smile that appeared on his face. He bit his lip, and looked down at the white sheets that lied on the bed. Kageyama was cute when he was embarrassed. “Okay, whatever you say...” He says playfully, sneezing a glance at the other boy.

“What the hell are you smiling about?”

“Nothing,” Hinata replies, a small laugh escaping his mouth. He couldn’t help but feel a little better inside now. Kageyama never failed to make him happier when he was sad, even when he was being an asshole. Just being around the younger boy seemed to lighten up his mood.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence passed between them, Kageyama spoke up a again, as if remembering that he had to say something.

“I forgot to tell you but,” He started to say, his tone becoming more serious. It made Hinata tense up a little bit, nervous as to what he was to tell him. “The nurse said that you most likely fainted due to the fact that you’re malnourished...” He gulped, looking at the other boy with caution in his eyes, as if he was afraid to make him upset.

Well, that sense of happiness died down quickly. Hinata froze in his seat, and he felt Kageyama’s words strike a place in his heart. It had made sense, he thought. Because he couldn’t really remember the last day that he had a properly full meal. It’s not like he was purposely avoiding food, at least he didn’t think so. It’s just that he didn’t really see the point in it. He was depressed, and unmotivated a lot of the time, and he spent most hours of the day locked in his room and curled up in his bed, trying to sleep the day away. It was hard to find the motivation to get up, and make food for himself. So he just didn’t eat most of the time.

“Oh... Really?” He mumbled quietly, acting clueless, as if he wasn’t already aware that he was basically starving himself.

“...Yeah,” Kageyama responded, biting his lip. He picked out what he said carefully, figuring that it might be a sensitive topic for the other boy to talk about. “When’s the last time you ate?”

Hinata picked at his nails, trying to find something to occupy his mind with. He was uncomfortable talking about his eating habits, as he knew they were messed up. “Yesterday,” He was quick to lie.

Kageyama titled his head to the side in an endearing fashion, as if telling the orange-haired boy that he didn’t believe him. “Hinata,” He said softly, being careful with his words. He didn’t want to press further, but he was worried.

Of course Kageyama saw right through him – there was no point in lying because he already knew the truth. He sighed in defeat, and continued to keep his gaze focused downward. He was too nervous to look the other boy in the eyes, and he was almost embarrassed.

“I... don’t remember,” He whispered.

Kageyama didn’t say anything to that, he just nodded and they once again fell into silence. The black-haired boy was conflicted. He wanted to say something to Hinata, but he also didn’t want to make him any more uncomfortable than he already was. He raked his mind for words that would be comforting, but he couldn’t find any.

He wasn’t good at expressing his emotions, and he definitely wasn’t good with dealing with other people’s emotions either. He sucked at giving advice, and every nice word that came out of his mouth felt weird and foreign to him. He was never really friendly to most people, but he found himself having a small soft spot for Hinata. Maybe it was the fact that he was his partner, or the fact that he was the closest teammate that he had. Nonetheless, whatever the reason was, it was strong. He would never outright admit it, but he did care about the orange-haired boy, and even though he was _really_ fucking annoying at times, he didn’t want anything bad to happen to him.

Kageyama took a deep breath, finally finding the courage to speak up. “Listen, I don’t know what’s going on with you...” He started to say, causing Hinata to look up and meet his gaze. His eyes looked sad. “But obviously something’s up. I’m not gonna press or anything, but I just want you to know that you can talk to anyone on the team. They really care about you, and you’re an important player. We wouldn’t be a true team without you. So yeah... uh... just take care of yourself, dumbass.”

Hinata stayed silent. He processed the other boy’s words, taking everything he said in. He wondered if it was true – if everyone really cared about him... if he could really talk to somebody. He found it hard to believe it. Maybe it was the voice in his head telling him that everyone was against him, and hated him. He didn’t want to burden all his teammates with his pathetic problems – he wasn’t worth it. He was barely worth anything, and he knew that. Talking to people wouldn’t help anyways, it would just make him feel even more shitty. So he stayed quiet. He didn’t speak up because if he did, the tears would start to leak out of his eyes and they wouldn’t stop.

The two boys sat in silence, letting it engulf them. Neither of them made any effort to speak, because there was nothing to say. One of Hinata’s barriers that he had kept up for so long was crumbling down, and he felt vulnerable. He wondered how many more of his walls would come down as time passed.


End file.
